


Home is Wherever I'm With You

by Metalbendrs



Category: Star Wars Episode VII: The Force Awakens (2015), Star Wars Episode VIII: The Last Jedi (2017)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Soulmates, F/M, Universe Jumper AU, a fuck ton of angst, sometimes it gets sexy
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2018-03-07
Packaged: 2019-02-22 12:42:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 15
Words: 40,696
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13167147
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metalbendrs/pseuds/Metalbendrs
Summary: In every life past he has found her, and she's sure he will find her again.(aka It's not easy waking up in a new universe every week.)





	1. Surfs Up

**Author's Note:**

> My first time ever writing any type of Star Wars stuff, couldn't get this idea out of my head though. 
> 
> Just take it lmao
> 
> (I couldn't resist makin this opening chapter an Australian au  
> 1: because I am an Aussie  
> 2: surfer boy ren cmon that's gold)

The air is always sweet in the first moments of morning haze, before you fully wake, eyes still closed and dreams still dancing in the corners of your vision.   
This is Rey's favourite time, the incoherent seconds before consciousness when she cannot remember her own name.   
Sometimes those seconds felt like hours, but mostly they were over before Rey knew they had even happened.   
This morning was one of those spectacular rare mornings, where Rey felt she could live in this sickly sweet air forever, wrapped up in honey and vanilla and her annoyingly comfortable sheets.

The moment fades and Rey turns on her side, mousy hair splayed inelegantly across the silky pillowcase. On the left of the room is a large window, covered by the heavy blinds. With a huff she brings herself to her feet, the carpet is soft and warm between her manicured toes. She pads across the room in short steps, grasping the heavy fabric with her hands. With a tug she engulfs the room in light and pulsating heat. She scrambles to pull the blinds back as quickly as possible, squinting her eyes against the bright light.   
When she had fallen asleep last night it had been snowing, the soft winds lightly lulling her to sleep. The sheets had been thin cotton and pale red, his arms had been strong and warm.  
With the blinds still bunched in her hands, she turned her head, just to be sure.

The sheets were lavender and silk, thick and heavy, and she was alone.

 

* * *

 

From the earliest she could remember, Rey had lived like this. Each Sunday night she would crawl into bed, and on Monday morning she would wake to a different world.   
She had tried to keep a diary of all the lives she had inhabited, the stories she lived, the places she saw; unthinkable and wild and extraordinary. But with each new life, she would lose the previous, diaries, phones, clothes, everything disappeared at the end of the week. Instead she became a fantastic storyteller, in many lives she wrote books in mere hours, published them in hopes that when she left this world, perhaps she could leave a trail, clues to unlocking the mystery of her existence.

Although each life was wildly different, through each of them were strains of consistency, little reminders that although these lives were changing, they were always hers.

She had always been an orphan, even as a young girl. She lived in foster homes, orphanages, and even on the cold unrelenting streets. She had no family, that she knew of, and it no longer bothered her as it did when she was a sad, lonely little girl. She couldn't afford to form more connections, it only hurt more when she had to leave.

The people in her life, although always shifting and changing, typically remained the same. Finn occupied most of her lives, she had once thought that maybe he could be her soulmate. She knew that she was the great love of all his lives, and knew that he should've hated her for her inability to love him, but he never did. Lives without his presence felt cold, distant. He was the closest thing to a true friend that she had ever known.   
Poe was often there, with his smirk and electric eyes. Leia too, all wisdom beyond her years and soft gentle hands. Rey often wished that Leia had been her mother.   
There were others too, Han and Chewie and Maz, countless other faces she vaguely remembered from a thousand lives past.   
And although these people brought depth and familiarity to the strange and never ending twists and turns of her life, they were never a given. Many Mondays she had woken to a Universe without Leia or Han or Poe, countless Sundays she had collapsed giddily onto Finn's couch and woken alone in her bed to world where he was nothing more than her own memory.

And then there was _him_. One of the few things in her life that had any sort of certainty.   
In one life they had strolled hand in hand through the Lourve, in the next they had scarred each other in battle beyond recognition. In some he was Ben, others Kylo Ren.   
But it was always him, like the first flower in spring, bright and bold and intense.   
She loved him, and he loved her, and for many of her lives, that knowledge was enough.

 

* * *

 

 

The ground was hot and sticky, her shoes clung to the ashphalt, begged to be left behind in the sweltering sun. In the closet of her small home she had found an array of brightly coloured dresses, pants and shirts. She had turned her nose up at the tacky designs, which were over-complicated and convoluted. She pried a plain white summer dress from the very end. Her skin was bronzed and her hair effortlessly textured. She smelt like sea-salt and sweat, intoxicating and raw. The people on the streets were friendly, smiling and nodding, lost in their own lives; presumably ones that lasted longer than a week.

Rey stopped in front of an advertisement for ice cream.  
'Beat the summer heat!' It blared into her senses. She nodded to herself and in vague recognition of the cartoon lion on the poster, and turned on her heel into the small general store.   
"Milk bar?" she muttered to herself, reading the sign above the door, surely they sold more than just milk.  
She was greeted by the waves of cold air that awaited her within the store, god damn she loved air conditioning.   
When she finally found her way to the freezers, they were filled with treats she had never seen or heard of before, and when she drew her eyes to the one in the bright yellow packaging, she had to clamp a hand over her mouth to stifle the smallest of laughs.   
"Golden Gaytime?" She asked aloud to nobody in particular.

"First time here?" The deep voice pulled Rey out of her own head and back into reality, with a fumble she turned to face the source of the sound.   
Finn looked the same as he always had, except his hair was longer and dreaded, framing his face in a way Rey had never seen, his accent was unfamiliar.

" _Here_?" She asked, and desperately wished she could pull the words back into her mouth. She hadn't meant to make herself sound so stupid.

Finn smiled, his teeth white and his eyes warm. "In Australia? Sorry I just thought- your accent, and the-" he gestured down to her hands, "-the _ice cream_? I'm sorry- I'll just, I'll just go." And before she had a chance to respond he was turning on his heel.

"Actually yes-" she called out behind him, watching him stop in his tracks, "I'm Rey, and I could really use a little help".

 

* * *

 

 

They were fast friends, of course Rey knew they would be. They always had been. It was easy to talk to Finn, he was an old friend parading as a new one.   
He had paid for her ice cream and they had walked in companionable silence towards the beach. When she tilted her head to look up at him, she found him in some sort of intense moral conflict. She knew this face, it had happened with every Finn she had met.

"Say it-" she smirked, "I know you want too."

"So, uh, are you down here for the surfing?" He asked, rubbing the back of his neck softly.

"I'm not sure what I'm doing here yet." She answered bluntly, it was the truth, she had no idea why this Rey was in Australia, or why she owned so many copies of the Harry Potter books, or had a kayak in her back yard.

"I get that." Finn answered, matching her steps for a few beats, before opening his mouth to speak again. "You here with your boyfriend or girlfriend or-" Finn tried to act nonchalant, but Rey could basically hear his heart beating.

"No-" Rey looked straight ahead as the crisp white sands and endless blue waters crawled into view. "I'm alone."

Finn didn't say anything else.

 

* * *

 

 

The beach was stunning. It's waters were warm and clear, and the tiny fish would swim happily between Rey's feet, as if she wasn't even there. In the distance she watched larger waves crash, and occasionally a figure or two would dart out from between the looming waters. _Surfing._ Maybe she _was_ here for the surfing.

"It's beautiful, isn't it" Finn said, and when Rey looked to him, she was unsure if the words were even meant for her.

As the pair grew closer to where the waves were taller than any she had seen in recent lives, the figures in the water grew less bleary, and more human like.   
The first was an impossibly tall woman, her hair was cropped and golden from the sun, and she moved through the water like it was what she was born to do.   
The other figure was also tall, his long dark hair was tied messily out of his face, his all black attire would've been searing, but made him appear like a hazy fantasy from a cheesy soap opera.

Although she sat on the warm sand and chatted absently with Finn, her mind remained a few feet further into the ocean, eyes pinned to the man so close and so far away.

The woman emerged from the waves first, jogging closer to them with a smile. Finn rose to greet her, laughing loudly as they hugged and exchanged pleasantries.   
"Rey-" Finn called, bringing her attention back to the beach. She rose quickly to stand at his side, and presented the woman with a small smile. "Rey, this is the Captain." He chuckled, crossing his arms across his chest with a sly smirk. The woman rolled her eyes and extended a hand to Rey.

" ** _Phasma_** ", she clarified, her voice polished and clean.

"Rey," she replied, taking the woman's hand in her own, "it's nice to meet-"

Rey was taken aback when the woman pulled her close, slapping her back playfully, slightly winding the much smaller girl. When she released her finally, the front of her dress was soaked through from the woman's wetsuit, and although it was refreshing for a moment, the comfort was replaced with panic when she remembered that her dress was white and thin.

"Don't worry love-" Phasma chuckled, tossing a thin towel in her direction, "it'll dry out in no time."

Rey nodded appreciatively, wrapping the towel around her body. In the mean time Phasma resumed her conversation with Finn, raising a thin blonde eyebrow in his direction.

"Given it any thought?" She asked, and Finn shook his head in response, earning a chuff from the woman. "Traitor." She joked.

"Given what any thought?" Rey asked curiously, earning Finn's gaze. He opened his mouth to speak, but before he words could leave his lips, Phasma chimed in once again.

"I trained with Finn when he was just starting out, he couldn't even stand on his board-" she laughed, Finn's face scrunched in response.

"Yeah, nah, I totally could", his voice broke slightly as he tried to defend himself, earning a laugh from the two women. "I was on the verge of going pro, running with the big dogs, earning some titles-" Finn continued proudly, before being abruptly cut off by Phasma once more.

"And then he got poached by the Resistance." Phasma rolled her eyes, earning a more serious look from a typically not-so-serious Finn.

"I made a _choice_ Cap." He looked to Rey, who's brow had scrunched and eyes filled with confusion. A distant memory hummed in the back if her head, one of stars and lights and war. She squashed the uncomfortable thought like a bug on her skin. Finn continued. "I grew up in a rural town in the outback, indigenous communities up there are struggling to survive, the Resistance believes in giving back to those who have already had everything taken from them." He spoke clearly, his voice laced with a sadness she could feel in her own chest.

Phasma placed a large, warm hand on his shoulder. "You're doing the right thing, kid-" the sympathetic smile slipped away, replaced with a more mischievous smirk that seemed foreign on her face. "Doesn't mean you're not a traitor."

 

* * *

 

 

Phasma and Finn came and went, taking turns racing through the waves, and paddling along the shore. The other man never left the water, his face was stoic and strong and determined, the way it had always seemed to be.

Rey checked her phone, a trick she had learnt to help her adapt quickly to her shifting lives. A lot of our lives exist in those tiny squares of electronics, and any clues to who the hell she is meant to be would be greatly appreciated.   
Flicking lazily through the contents she learnt a few things about Australia Rey.   
Like the fact that she was definitely not a surfer, the recent video of her toppling dramatically from her board and face first into the water a testament to that.   
Open in her web browser was an article about some recent NBA playoffs, and under the images, in the smallest of fonts, she noticed it.

_ Images by Rey Kenobi. _

It made sense. She was simply a photojournalist in Australia to take some pretty pictures of surfers and then head back to her lonely life in London with her two ugly chihuahuas.   
Who the hell owns _two_ chihuahuas?

She locked her phone, placing it back into the shoulder bag that was now half buried in the hot sand. With the sound of feet meeting the sand at the waters edge, she lifted her eyes, expecting Finn's large brown eyes to smile back at her.

Instead she was caught in the crossfire of Ben's proverbial daggers.

Internally she groaned. Of course this week she would have a Ben that hated her. She should have known having 3 easy weeks, where he loved her and everything was simple, was far too good to be true.

He crossed the sand to her in only a few steps, his long legs striding easily toward her. When he stood in front of her like this, she had to crane her neck to look up at him.   
His hair was knotted and wild, she was used to seeing it missed like that because of her fingers. His lips were red and plump, she was also used to seeing that because of her.   
Was it possible to be jealous of the ocean for making him look so perfectly ruffled.

"Hello" she said, unsure of herself, feeling stupid the instant she heard the words leave her lips.

He cocked his head to the side slightly, his gaze unwavering. "That's my towel." He deadpanned, eyes gazing down to the towel still wrapped around her midriff.

Unthinking, she scrambled to unwrap herself and hand him her towel- his towel. And while the sun had dried the bottom half of her dress, the top had remained lightly damp, and translucent enough for his eyes to linger after she had handed him the towel.

Still unaware, Rey mustered her courage and digested the butterflies that still appeared in her stomach. "I'm-"

"Rey Kenobi." He cut her off, eyes lifting to meet hers. "I know. Kylo Ren." He motioned lazily to himself. "And just a tip-" and wight hat the corner of lips twitched ever so lightly upwards.

"White clothes and water, really don't mix."

 

* * *

 

 

Rey was unsure if she would ever get used to hearing him speak in this new voice.   
Finn and Phasma too.   
The language too harsh and rough for Finns kind smile, too inelegant and crude for Kylo, who in many lives had prided himself on his eloquence.

Beside her he dug his pale toes into the hot sand absently, the silence between them deafening. From the waters edge Finn and Phasma yelled and hollered, their voices taller than the waves, prouder than the golden sun that beat down on them. But around them here on the beach, there seems to be an impenetrable promise, that their lips would remain closed and they would not speak. Rey struggled to find words, any words, to say to him, to ease the tension.

He watched her from the corner of his eyes as her brows scrunched low on her face, fingers anxiously drawing small circles into the sand beneath her, lips parted and flushed. He must have taken pity on her, as he placed his palms in the sand behind him, leaning back and turning his face towards the sun.

The light made the sharp contours of his face appear sharper, all hollow cheeks and endless black eyes. She studied his face from the corner of her eyes, trying to absorb how he looked in this moment, project it into a thousand lives to come.

"I asked them to send you". It was a statement, final and jarring, the way he often spoke. She looked to him, eyes now wide and golden, heart beating hard in her throat. He looked out into the waters, avoiding her gaze. Clearing his throat, he let out a small breath that was barely audible to Rey's ears. It reminded her of the whispery winds by the campfire when she was 16. Poe had thrown marshmallows into her mouth, and Ben had slid his arm around her waist, his touches featherlight. If she closed her eyes, she could still feel it, even now so many years since.   
She had to remind herself that _this_ Ben had never met her, he couldn't possibly feel the firelight on his face like she could.

But then there was that light somewhere deep behind his gaze, something bright and ancient, begging her to find it, coax it out of him, some riddle she had yet to unlock, the question she can never answer. She knew it was hiding there, _somewhere_.

"Why?" She asked, her voice breathier than she'd intended.

He shrugged, finally turning to met her eyes, his shoulders rounded and soft, and for a split second his voice practically radiating warmth as he answered.

"I'm not sure yet."


	2. For a Happy Ending, Just Add Water.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey gets lost in the ocean as her week in this world draws to an end.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I got excited and wrote another chapter, did somebody mention crippling angst?

Finn had believed it a happy coincidence that the confused British girl he had met staring intently at a frozen dairy product was also the fancy photographer hired to take photos of the local surfing scene and promote the upcoming championships.

"Who'd have thunk?" He smiled, and Rey couldn't bring herself to give him anything more than a half-hearted semi-smile.

They had walked back to town as a group, and unlike the silent strolls she was accommodated too with Finn and Ben, the Australian versions of them were more rambunctious.

Finn would shout and call to the passing cars, his ever friendly smile earning honks and waves and yells.

Phasma would push him onto the road when no cars were coming, making sure his bare feet came in contact with the searing asphalt. He would hack and curse and run quickly back to the grassy side of the walkway. Ben would laugh, loudly, a deep, infectious thing that brought flush to Rey's cheeks. Not many Ben's laughed, and none of them like this. This wasn't a gimmick, a trick, a diversion of the eyes while he pocketed her phone. It wasn't a cover for a deeper pain, or his failed expression of his discomfort.  
it was just a laugh. And it was brilliant.

"Pub?" Phasma called over her shoulder, board tucked in the crook of her armpit.

Finn whistled and nodded excitedly, looking over his shoulder expectantly at Rey. She raised a brow quizzically in his direction. "It's a fucking **Monday**!" She half laughed.

Kylo shrugged, "What's the time?", he asked.  
"Quarter to 5?" Finn replied, not completely sure in his own answer.  
Kylo shrugged again. "Good enough for me."

 

* * *

 

 

The pub was like the ones she had visited in previous lives in England, except she had never been to one when it was still daylight. The insides were dim, the only light streaming from the many windows that were half opened in a moot attempt to keep the air circulating.  
It was hot and sticky and loud, none of which seemed to faze or bother her companions.

Finn loudly greeted many of the men and women they passed as they shuffled deeper into the bowels of the building. How was it possible for him to know every single person here.

As if he had read her very thoughts, Kylo turned to her, bending slightly so that he was closer to her ear. His voice was clear and crisp, cutting through the music and symphony of voices, sending gooseflesh to raise down her neck and arms. "Finn is a bit of a local legend-" he half chuckled, a sweet sound that Rey immediately committed to memory. "A kid in the junior division wiped out last year, her board came back to the surface but she didn't. Finn saved her life, dumb ass kid could've died out there." He shook his head, turning his broad shoulders as they squeezed past more patrons of the pub.

"He's a good guy." She replied, raising her voice so it traveled far enough up to reach his ears.

"Yeah," Kylo responded, looking straight ahead towards the booth that Finn and Phasma had miraculously scored. Rey watched as he let emotion seep into his eyes for the quickest of breaths, deep and calculated and sad, before he steeled and spoke again. "He is."

 

* * *

 

 

Rey had never been a huge fan of beer, but she'd be damned before she payed $12 for one fruity drink. Kylo didn't seem to have the same objections, and while the rest of them sipped happily on their pints, Kylo was having a blast trying every possible combination of juice and liquor that he could get his hands on.

The first time she had gotten drunk was with Finn was when she was 14. They had been servants for King Snoke, and Finn had stolen a few bottles of expensive wine from the cellar. They sprawled out on a grassy knoll in the moonlight, intoxicated and giddy. He was the first Finn to kiss her, his fingers threaded gently through her hair, his lips so soft as they brushed against hers, she wasn't sure if she had even felt them. She waited for the fireworks, the butterflies, the explosions she had been promised.  
But they never came.

And like every Finn who'd professed their love, he gathered her drunken form in his arms and told her that it was okay, that she wasn't obligated to love him. How easy it would be, to love Finn. Kind, charming, caring Finn. _Her Finn_. She wouldn't have to search or battle or climb, she could just be and he would love her regardless.  
But lives aren't easy. Love isn't easy, it _shouldn't_ be. Easy love doesn't make your hair stand on end. Love was hard and brutal, scarlett droplets on his love letters, like paper cuts on his tongue, words you hide behind your flesh, for only those who were meant to seek them out to hear.

"Rey?" Finn's loud call interrupted her thoughts, tore her eyes away from the bottom of her glass. "Earth to Miss Kenobi, next time tell us when the shuttle is leaving." He chuckled, sliding into the seat next to her effortlessly, playfully bumping her shoulder with his.

She laughed, fumbling through a half-hearted half-drunken apology.

Standing next to the dart board, between tosses, Phasma and Kylo were having an in depth debate, full of hand gestures and many exasperated sighs from Kylo's end.

"They've been going at it about this for fuckin' **weeks** mate" Finn groaned, burying his head in his hands.

"Water is _not_ wet, once water touches something, that _becomes_ wet, the water is just water-" Phasma retorted, a sly grin on her lips letting Rey know that she knew exactly what she was doing. It was fun to watch Kylo get mad.

" _ **WHAT**_?" He lifted his hands, an over dramatic gesture for an even more over dramatic than usual Ben. "If water wasn't _**wet**_ , then how would it make something it touches _**wet**_? Are you _**insane**_? Did you drop out of year 9 cunt? This is _**exactly**_ why I say the Australian education system is inadequate-"

Rey turned back to Finn, who's groan had continued for an impressive amount of time.

"Please do shots with me, I am not fucked enough to deal with this again-" he pleaded into Rey's shoulder.

Taking a swig of her beer, she scrunched her nose. "I might be day drinking on a Monday, but I've gotta draw the line somewhere." She looked to him with a grin, and he was back to groaning again.

"Dogged it"

Understanding Australian was an art in itself, it took her a few minutes to understand what he had meant. It was only when she overheard a man not far from them use the phrase again that she got what Finn had said to her. But as quick as she had gotten her footing, the Aussies would pull the board from beneath her and send her flying into the tides with the strangest of phrases.

"Want a durry?" Phasma offered as she and Kylo slid into the seats across from them, their debate having been postponed for the time being.

"A what?" Rey replied, earning a chuckle from the pair across from her.

"A dart?" Phasma pried, but Rey remained bewildered.

Kylo held up a fat cigarette. "A _cigarette_ Rey." He smiled, small and collected, but ultimately relaxed.

Rey nodded, "I've never had one but sure." She shrugged, her words drawing a small gasp from Phasma.

"That's a travesty mate" Phasma shook her head as the four stood and shuffled out from the booth. Finn sat back down and opened his phone up. Rey stopped and looked over her shoulder at him quizzically.

"Finn you coming?" He shook his head.

"Finn doesn't smoke" Phasma called from ahead.

Rey offered Finn a lacklustre apologetic smile and followed Phasma and Kylo out a side door. There was a small courtyard surrounded by a covered area. There were a few seats and a couple tables, but as she looked around Rey noted that most of the people around her had chosen to stand, chatting and laughing between puffs of their cigarettes.

She joined Kylo and Phasma as they huddled beneath the shade of the alcove, the sun still burning hot even as it began to sink lower into the horizon. Kylo held out a skinnier cigarette, one that looked more like the ones she was used to seeing. She took it with a thanks, fingers brushing for just a moment, his eyes meeting hers with a small smirk, cigarette between his plump lips.

Phasma clicked her lighter, drawing a breath before passing it to Rey. "You know how to do it?" Phasma asked before blowing out her smoke, genuine curiosity. Rey nodded, lighting the cigarette and drawing slowly. It was harsh, and she choked out the smoke, coughing as she caught her breath.

"Easy love." Kylo smiled as he took the lighter from her hand and lit his own. "Don't tense up, it only makes you cough more." He advised, and she couldn't understand how they could manage full sentences with the smoke inside them.

But she got the hang of it, and although it wasn't what she was expecting, the way it made her head spin and bones relax wasn't all that bad.

This life was calm and slow, drifting easy along the shore, an ode to those who sit quietly in the sun. If Monday she were to wake, and find that she remained here.  
_She would be happy_.

 

* * *

 

 

This became their ritual. Each morning she would wake, Finn would knock on her door, and they would go to the beach. She would take pictures of them with the the camera she found in the open suitcase in the hall. She had already emptied it, aside from the camera and its travel case, spare lenses, SD cards, and a half eaten pack of gum.  
Then they would walk back to town and eat, typically greasy kebabs or fish and chips.  
After that they'd head to the pub, or buy a slab of beer and sit on her tiny couch and watch Finn's favourite movies.  
Nobody else was allowed to pick what they watched, Finn's choices were always feel good comedies, not the dark psychological thrillers that Kylo suggested, or the violent action movies Phasma wanted to watch.  
So they would watch what Finn chose, like Ace Ventura and Coming to America, movies that made Kylo pretend he was coughing to cover his laughs at the smallest of jokes.

On Friday Finn tried to take Rey into the surf on the back of his much too small board, and with a yelp she had tumbled into the water. So they had tried again, but this time on the back of Kylo's obnoxiously large board.

It was a moment from a fairytale, one she had never lived. The water was warm and cool all at once, and when the waves rose and Kylo slid between them, the world was covered in the bluest tint. Rey felt that she was laying on the bottom of the ocean, looking straight up through the clear blue, the sun making everything around her glow like they were made of magic and starlight.

_She had never seen anything more beautiful in her life._

And as Kylo glanced over his shoulder at the awestruck girl behind him, with sunlight caught up in her hair like she made from constellations.  
_He thought the very same thing._

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday she let him take her to bed. And by that she meant a bunch of towels on the hot sand at twilight.

She couldn't take her eyes off the view, the sun throwing colours she had never seen across the water and sky and her own skin.

He couldn't take his eyes off of her.

And when they kissed it felt like coming home, like conclusions and answers and full stops on a page. Like those hazy moments before sleep when his name tastes so sweet on her tongue.

And when he pressed her into the sand and filled the sky with her noises, he believed she was going home to her rightful place between galaxies.

She cried when she came, and he held her so gently, like she could break at any moment and be gone forever.

If only he knew.

 

* * *

 

 

Sunday came and went, the sky no less blue or sun less hot. The world showed no mourning for her inevitable departure. She wondered if when she left, Australia Rey lived on. Did she stay with Kylo, or did she end her summer fling and fly back home to her chihuahuas and live the rest of her life alone. Would he follow her, chase her down like a predator its prey?  
She wondered if Rey would get her happy ending.

She wondered if _she_ would get her happy ending.

As she drifted off to sleep in his arms once again, with Finn's loud snoring filling her ears from the other room, for the first time in a hundred lives or so, she let herself feel pity, and sobbed as she let herself be torn away from this life of love and blue oceans and warmth.

And when she opened her eyes they were gone, and she was alone once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick not to say that I am not intending to glorify excessive drinking or smoking in any way, but the truth is that in Australia drinking culture is really romanticised and I wanted to portray something that was real to what I see.
> 
> Get ready cause next chapter is a whole new world.


	3. And All That Jazz

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A new week, a new life, and some good jazz music.

Rey propped herself up on her elbows, gazing around at the spacious room she now occupied. The walls were adorned with art and flowers, and in the dim light of the first morning hours, the room's high walls cast ominous shadows over her bed.

Her bed, which was situated in the very centre of the room, had the softest sheets she had ever felt. The pillows were like drifting clouds beneath her head, and with every breath she fell deeper and deeper into the mattress.

With a tender hand she reached up to her hair, gentle curiosity tingling in the back of her mind. Maybe, just maybe, her hair still smelt of sea salt and hid grains of sand between the strands. Her heart dropped when her hands found her hair, it was cropped short and silky, still smelling lightly of her vanilla shampoo.  
She had let herself be stupid, open her heart for more pain, more hurting. What had she expected? A miracle of some kind, for the world to suddenly right its wrongs against her, change her, make her normal?  
She would never be normal, hadn't she been at peace with that for years, why now allow the sadness to crawl back into her body?

Rey lifted herself from the large, soft bed, feet connecting with the cold tile of the floor. With a start she lifted her freezing feet back to the bed.  
Peering over both sides, she spotted a pair of fluffy periwinkle slippers, and she placed her feet into them quickly before stepping quietly around the room. She observed her home with new eyes. Her closet was larger than many of the apartments she had lived in, and filled with luxurious clothes that sparkled and shimmered. Above her bed, on the second floor of her room, was a sitting area, complete with a small library of classic literature. Nearer to her bed was a phonogram, surrounded by a small collection of well worn jazz records.

"My love, you're awake!" A voice called from above.

Rey turned, looking back up to the inner balcony of her room. There stood Finn, his suit impeccably tailored, a cream colour with pinkish pinstripes. His hair was perfectly gelled to the side, the small moustache above his lip had not a hair out of place  
"How did you sleep?" He asked with a smile, descending the staircase with grace and practiced ease.

She walked across the floor to meet him, her footsteps echoing in the quiet room. "As well as I could." She replied with a small smile.

"I wish that it was easier for you." He held out both his arms, placed them gently upon both her shoulders and placed a soft kiss on both of her cheeks. "Would you like me to call another doctor in? See if there is anything on this earth that could possibly help you sleep soundly?" Worry was written across his features, eyes so deep and loving she thought she could live forever in their gaze.

"I couldn't impose on you like that." She placed a warm hand on his cheek. Finn, her oldest friend, her truest of loves, his kind heart was too soft for this hard world, she wanted nothing more than to hold it in her own steel chest. For him she would write a testament to the loyalty of their blood, they are one in the same, she loved him as you could love a child, a brother, with fierceness and kindness that feel all the same.

"I would travel to the ends of the world, and pay every penny I own, if it meant that it might make you well." His hand met hers on his cheek, large and cool and calm, reminding her that she is alive, and that was enough.

He broke the silence with a small laugh, "It is far too quiet in here for you, my dear." He cooed, taking her hand with the lightest of touches and leading her towards the record player. It's gold horn shining true in the morning sun. Behind them, servants filed quietly through the room. Maids arranged her sheets and pulled open the heavy curtains, butlers brought clean laundry and cups of coffee and food. Finn placed a record and allowed it to play.

The vibrant sounds of jazz filled every corner of the room, and Finn began to dance, taking her hands and forcing her to join. She laughed, allowing him to lead her as they danced and made their way toward the table that had been set for them. Catching her breath, Rey smiled widely and sat upon the soft chair, Finn finally and gently releasing her hand to sit opposite her.

She sipped slowly at the warm coffee, and took bites of the fruit and French pastries that overflowed from the table. "Tell me again," she said with lips tugging up at the edges into the smallest of smiles. He listened with rapt attention as he sipped his coffee. "How we got here, all of this." She motioned around her at the luxurious room.

"My love, you have heard this old story a thousand times." He chuckled, taking another bite of his food.

"I know." She looked down at her hands as she fumbled with one of the rings on her fingers. "I just-" she sighed, "I love hearing you tell it."

And with a knowing smile, he began.

 

* * *

 

 

Finnegan Buchanan the Third's family was from Harlem, and his grandaddy had found a real good way to turn old money into new money. They lived on East Egg like every other old money family here. Many families hated Finn and his family, racism ran deep through their veins, and it was all many people of this time knew. But many respected them and their influence and power. Finn was unbothered by the hatred, chose only to look at the positives. He had been raised in this money, knew nothing but this life of luxury. To Finn, he saw no difference between him and every other wealthy man in East Egg.

"Besides-" he chuckled, placing his cup onto the saucer with a clink, "None of them as making _nearly_ as much money as I am." He winked at her.

A butler came striding in quickly, telephone on a silver plate, the cord trailing the floor behind him. "For you." He spoke curtly, holding the plate towards Rey.

"May I?" She asked apologetically, not wishing to be rude or interrupt Finn.

"Of course." He nodded with a small smirk.

She took the telephone receiver into her hand, placing it up to her ear. "Hello?" She asked.

"Rey! My beautiful lovely flower! How have you been, do not reply to that I already know the answer! You're absolutely _miserable_ and need your favourite cousin Poe to come swooping in to save you." He announced to her, a statement rather than a question.

"Poe, my darling, you are right. I am a simple girl, I wish to move into the mountains and become a nun. I will pack a bag, how quickly can you get here?" She joked, choking out fake sobs. Across from her Finn chuckled and rolled his eyes.

"Considering that I just bought a lovely little house in West Egg, I'd say about an hour at the latest, will I need to bring a weapon in the case that I need to defend your honour?"

She all but squealed into the phone. It had been so long since she had seen any Poe, she was ecstatic. "You are coming for tea today then, I expect you in no less than an hour, and I will _not_ take no for an answer."

"I never could say no to you." She could hear the smile in his voice, could feel it like fingers on braille.

She looked to Finn with a grin, and he nodded once towards her politely, as if Poe could see him through the phone. "Would you like to speak to Finn, he is right here across from me and I'm sure he misses you more than I ever could." She let the smile on her face bleed into her voice.

Finn reached over the table, holding open his palm, and Rey placed the receiver in his hand.

"Poe, my friend, it has been too long!"

 

* * *

 

 

Finn had left shortly after they finished eating, with a kiss to the cheek and a promise he would send someone to fetch her when Poe arrived.

Rey had made her way to the bathroom where a maid had already finished drawing her a bath. She nodded politely, thanking the woman quietly before closing the door behind her and undressing.  
She sank gratefully into the water, letting the hot steam fog the mirrors and her mind. She washed her hair, and the feeling of Bens fingers tangled up in it, down the drain.

When she finally rose from the waters and made her way to her closet, she took her time, enjoyed dressing herself, a selfish moment of indulgence as she slipped the dusty rose chiffon strap across her shoulder. The dress floated as if it was made of air, and the boyish shape was comfortable and modest, but elegant and beautiful all the same.  
A maid clasped a string of pearls around her neck, a gift from Finn way back when they had first met in this life.

And then she was alone once again, striding across the floor to finally turn off the jazz record that still made the room feel full of life. When it was silent once more, the room suddenly felt much smaller. Finn was right, this room was much too quiet for her. So she set off, walking down the halls of her home idly, taking in the many facets and trinkets of the space.  
There was art at every turn, always beautiful and regal and perfectly placed. This Finn was rare, _he actually had good taste._

Finally she found her way to a small sitting room, every window and door thrown open, engulfing the room in streaming light. The soft white blinds fluttered in the wind, the skirt of her dress joining them in their dance.

A head poked up from one of the couches. "Rey!" The girl called, her short black hair sleek and shiny. "Come join me, I'm thinking about my _**tragic**_ love life. Are you sure you won't let me have Finn?" She joked as Rey rounded the couch with a smile, joining her on the soft pillows.

"Find your own millionaire, Rose." She smirked, kicking the girl playfully.

Rose was one of those people that appeared every few lives, but never changed. She was stubborn and headstrong and loud, she didn't care for what others thought of her. The first time they met, Rey was fixing old junkers, and Rose was one of the few women she had ever met with the brains and brawn to do what even Rey herself couldn't. In one life Rose had kicked in the teeth of a man who had grabbed Rey on a crowded train, in another she had single handedly figured out the math that was needed to bring Rey home when she had been an astronaut. In every life so far she had been a force to be reckoned with, and in this life Rey doubted it would be any different.

When Poe entered, trailing a step behind Finn, she was so lost in the conversation with Rose that she didn't even notice their arrival. When Poe cleared his throat and she looked over her shoulder, she leapt from the couch and into his arms with glee.

"It is so good to see you!" She all but cried. Stepping away she motioned towards Rose, who leant over the couch with a smirk. "Poe, this is Rose, you may remember her from the cover of _many_ magazines. Rose, my cousin Poe."

"You're the golfer, right?" Poe asked, unsure of himself. Rose nodded, sending a wink in his direction.

"Poe what are you doing here, in West Egg of all places?" Rey asked, holding both sides of his face with her small hands.

He chuckled, taking her hands and placing a small kiss on the back of them. "I've given everything up! I'm going to be a writer, and a _successful_ one at that."

Finn scoffed from the corner. "There is no such thing as a successful living writer, you have to die so people can truly understand your genius."

Poe turned, placing both hands on his hips, his suit jacket across his forearm, he placed his thumbs beneath his suspenders. "Haven't you heard? That's the plan. I'm going to write my masterpiece and then throw myself into the ocean!" He chided, before collapsing onto the couch with a huff.

"And leave me behind to mourn you? I hope you don't expect me to wear black and sob for you." Rey quirked a brow, sitting gently beside Poe.

"I would expect nothing less." He replied, hand over his heart in faux offence.

"West Egg." Finn scoffed again, leaning casually against the wall. "You could've stayed here, neither I or Rey would mind. Rose practically lives here, I don't see why you couldn't."

Rose rolled her eyes before Poe replied. "You're a good man Finn, and I appreciate it. But if I'm going to write a masterpiece I need to experience things."

Rey laughed. "Well why couldn't you experience things here, with us?"

"I can, and I plan too, but I need a little independence Rey, I can't rely on you or my parents forever. I'm a grown man, it's time I start acting as one."

To that Finn tipped his head in respect. "Where about on West Egg are you exactly?"

Poe turned to face him. "Straight across the water from you actually, right next door to some man named Ren, he has invited me to a party tonight."

"Ren?" Rey asked, her voice soft and dreamy.

"Don't be ridiculous, _nobody_ is _invited_ to Ren's parties, you simply show up. You know I was there once, it was incredible, but Ren is never there. It's like he doesn't even exist." Rose added, intently interested in the conversation at hand.

"Well _I_ was." Poe added, a hint of smugness as he pulled the small piece of paper from inside of his jackets pocket.

Rose examined the paper with wide eyes. "I'll be damned." She muttered, handing it to Rey.

Rey studied the invitation with knots tying in her stomach. And when she looked to the insignia, she felt her heart skip a beat.

**_KR_. **

"We should all go!" She spoke quickly, louder than she intended for it to come out. "It will be fun." She explained, looking to Finn, who's eyes were worried with concern and doubt. "We can all dance and not worry about anything in the world."

Rose and Poe smiled, looking now to Finn, who's uncertainty was painted across his face. But as he looked to Rey, his expression softened.

"Why not." He sighed, and the smile on Rey's lips grew much wider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Did somebody say GREAT GATSBY AU?  
> No? Ok take it anyway. 
> 
> Not sure if I should continue doing like 2 chapters for each week, or if I should just take a bit longer and make each week one long chapter.


	4. The Great Ren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A little party never hurt nobody, except for when it did.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "I'm a writer" I whisper to myself at 2am as I google what a 1920s cigarette lighter looks like.

Rey anxiously twirled the ring around her finger, the only ring her mind wished to fiddle with right now. It was beautiful, an heirloom, Victorian, like a small golden snowflake upon her finger. The diamonds were polished and sparkled with every movement of her hand. She had never had something so beautiful in her possession, and yet she felt the creeping sadness, loneliness perhaps, when she looked at it.

Finn was her husband, and she was his wife, and yet it brought her no joy to say that.  
Instead the words felt heavy and helpless upon her tongue. A wife to man she couldn't bring herself to love as a husband. A loveless marriage, but maybe not to him.

She looked to Finn from the corner of her eyes, his hand upon her thigh so gentle and calm. He loved her, he loved her so much she couldn't stand it. She didn't deserve his unconditional attention and kindness, his softness.

"I will see you all tonight, please do not hesitate to phone me in the likely event that I am dearly missed upon my leaving." Poe's laugh ripped her from her thoughts, her eyes lifting to meet his. Beyond the smile and laughter was something deeper and knowing in his eyes as he looked at Rey, like he knew, knew that she could never truly be his wife.

She kissed him softly upon the cheek as he stood in the doorway, and his steady hand on her forearm kept her anchored long after he left.  
The people in our lives keep us whole, when parts of them are missing, so are parts of us. She could have never lived this life without Poe, perhaps another Rey, but not her.

"I have some business to do, Rose, will you be joining us for lunch this afternoon?" Finn asked. Hands clasped firmly behind his back. Rey walked a few steps behind him, her mind racing.

Rose shrugged, linking her arm through Rey's own. "I have a lunch date in the city that I simply cannot rain check, but I will see you tonight, alright?"

And as Rose's car approached, and Finn went off to manage whatever affairs, Rey found herself, as she often did, alone.

 

* * *

 

 

A little partying never hurt anybody, that was Rose's mantra. She had arrived back at Rey's home at 7:30, her dress an off white that fell just beneath her knees, the hem lined with a fluffy white fur that matched her shawl.  
Rose moved through the halls so confidently, anyone who may have looked in would assume that she was the lady of the house, and not Rey, who crossed her arms to cover the slight plunge of the neckline on her silver fringed dress.  
Rey hadn't picked it out, she had let the maids select the appropriate attire. She had never been the most fashionable, and much rather preferred to be comfortable.  
This was as glamorous as Rey had ever been, and she felt much too quiet for such a loud dress.

Rose thought she just needed a few drinks to loosen up.

Finn entered the room shortly after, pressing a kiss to her cold cheek. "You look beautiful." He said quietly, and Rey smiled gently, catching his eyes from under her lashes. Something in his gaze told her that maybe he understood, he let her sleep alone, he loved her enough to let her go just enough that he thought she could breathe. But beneath this roof she was suffocating. She had never been a wife, a beautiful woman who men sought after, admired enough to pursue.

It felt wrong, like she wasn't living in her own skin.

"Thank you Finnegan, I bought it today, don't you just adore the trim?" Rose called from beyond Rey's shoulder, taking the compliment for herself, and for that Rey thanked her.

" _Enchanting_ , Rose. As always." Finn smiled, slipping his arm through the crook of hers.

Rey grinned, her shoulders relaxing. "Now Rose, you can't just go around stealing my husband away whenever you please." She crossed her arms over he chest as Rose flicked her wrist towards her while rolling her eyes.

The three laughed, and Rey followed a step behind them out to their waiting car. As she climbed into the door, she paused for a moment and turned. She had to crane her neck to take in the full view of the beautiful house. She allowed herself to think of the foster homes and orphanages, the neon lamps in the back alleys she hid in, the smell of the dirty snow by her face on those freezing nights she begged her body to sleep. And then she looked again, it felt like trespassing, she had never been in a more beautiful home.

_And then they arrived at Ren's house._

"Good lord." She muttered beneath her breath. The mansion was magnificent, rose from the ground like a monument, a statement of some unspoken desire, a need, a truth. The ivy grew up each wall as it climbed the cold towers, Rey's eyes followed where she feared her hands may never. The flowers grew so perfectly it's as if he had arranged them by hand, brought them up from the soil himself.

The inside was no less spectacular. Chandeliers adorned every ceiling, shining crystal glasses of champagne sparkled and shined in every direction. The music vibrated through the floors and into her veins, made her feel dizzy and drunk and happy without a sip of alcohol.

She let Finn lead her through the crowds of people into the main party. She couldn't put into words her awe, it seemed as though the room stretched forever in every direction, and as if the whole world was crowded into one place for the sole intention of having a good time.

And then the night blurred. She drank and danced, and never once stopped searching the millions of people in that room for his eyes, his hair, him.  
But he never appeared.

Meanwhile, Rose and Poe walked up the stairs together, speaking loudly to compete with the music.

"So this Ren guy- what's he look like?" Poe shouted, squeezing past a couple of drunk young men who's shirts had come unbuttoned, and had given up with the glasses and started drinking straight from one of the thousand bottles of champagne.

"That's the thing-" Rose called back, adjusting her shawl. "-Nobody has ever seen him."

Poe laughed in disbelief, his eyes wide and brow quirked. "You're _kidding_." He called as he stopped, allowing her to stand a few steps above him. Rose shook her head, dead serious.

"You mean to say that this man hosts the most extravagant parties in New York every week, and never attends a single one of them?" With a chuckle, Poe turned his attention to Rose, momentarily distracting himself from the throngs of people moving up and down the stairs, and stumbled directly into a broad chest holding a plate of crystal glasses.

"Careful." The man spoke, a near warning, but still steadied Poe with his large hand. When he was sure Poe would not fall, he clasped him once on the shoulder.

Poe caught a glimpse of the mans hand, his eyes drawn to the impressive large ring on his finger. The insignia was instantly recognisable, but by the time he looked back the mans eyes, he had disappeared into the crowd. He turned quickly back to Rose, who hadn't noticed his collision with the man, but turned to face him from the top of the steps.

"Did you see-" he asked, but Rose simply scrunched her face and Poe trailed off mid sentence. "Never mind."

 

* * *

 

 

Finn snaked his arm around her waist and she fought the urge to recoil, it felt too intimate, too close.

"My beautiful wife." He slurred drunkenly, pressing feather soft kisses into the bare skin of her shoulders. She shuddered visibly, if he noticed, he didn't say anything. "Perhaps you would get a better nights rest, if-" he kissed her collarbone through the strap of her dress, she stiffened slightly. "-you finally came back to _our_ bed." She felt his hot breath on her neck and couldn't stand it a second longer.

Rey placed a sprawled hand across his chest, taking a step away to ensure a distance. "I-", she couldn't meet his eyes, couldn't break his heart once again, "-need some air."  
And then she was gone, rushing out the first door she could find, wobbling unsteadily on her heels through the gardens of Ren's mansion.

 

* * *

 

 

"I'm not saying it's not good, I've just had much better!" Rose smirked, sipping her champagne as she leant against the railing.

Poe mirrored her pose, looking out into the party below them. For a second his eyes stuck on his cousin, watched as she tensed, as Finn looked at her like she had placed the sun in the sky just for him. He looked back to Rose, taking a long sip of his champagne.

"It's champagne, it all tastes the same, there's no such thing as _better_." Poe told her, watching her raise her brows quickly as she finished her glass.

"Now that's just completely wrong-" she had began to say, before a man in a black tux had quietly interrupted and whispered something incoherent into her ear.

Rose's eyes widened and she placed her glass atop the bannister.

The man began to ascend the next flight of steps, and Rose followed, calling over her shoulder to Poe in a rushed voice. "I'm sorry! He wants to see me-"

" _He_?" Poe asked incredulously, but she had already ascended too far from earshot.

Poe sighed, finishing his own drink and placing the glass beside hers as he looked back out, eyes searching for Rey and Finn once more.  
His eyes narrowed as he caught sight of Rey escaping quickly out into the gardens and, grabbing the nearest glass of champagne, set off to find her.

 

* * *

 

 

Poe escorted Rey to the car, walking alongside her with a near wicked smile, his hand gently on the small of her back as he lead her into the back seat. His other arm was strewn around the shoulders of a very drunken Finn, whom he all but carried into the seat of the car.

"I l- **Llove** you man" Finn smiled, eyes already half closed as he leant back into the seat, Rey placing a hand on his shoulder to steady him.

"Thank you for _everything_ Poe, are you sure we can't drop you home?" Rey smiled, leaning over Finns lap to look out at Poe.

"I was going to wait for Rose anyway, but I promise I will see you soon!" He said, before wishing them goodbye and closing the door. He watched their car pull away, and entered back into the foyer. Taking a seat upon the stairs, he watched the party fizzle around him. Even the most drunk of attendees were beginning to file out when Rose finally descended upon the stairs.

"What happened? Did you meet _him_?"

Rose shushed him as she took his arm and walked quickly from the building. "Yes, he was... _intense_. I have a favour to ask of you Poe, but- I will explain everything tomorrow."

Rose kept her promise, and the next afternoon after much confusion and mystery from Rose, she finally exclaimed with frustration, "Ren wants you to ask Rey for tea!"

_And so he had._

That Wednesday, Ren had showed his appreciation by having Poe's entire home redecorated, every inch covered in blooms of pastel flowers and ornamental desserts.  
He was an imposing figure, all broad shoulders and dark eyes. Every moment in his presence was just as intense as their brief interaction at Ren's party.

"Mr. Ren-" Poe had began.

"Please, call me Kylo, old sport." Ren cut him off, a dangerous smile pulling at his lips, one that seemed out of place on the serious mans face.

"Kylo-" he tried again.

"Do you think she will like it? Are the flowers too much? I knew I shouldn't have brought so many, I look like a fool!" His voice raised, for a moment sending a small sense of fear into Poe. But Ren collected himself, smoothing his slicked hair.

"I'm sure she will enjoy them." Poe attempted vainly to soothe the man, who was surprisingly very talkative while nervous. However, Poe wasn't exactly sure why.  
The plan had been simple enough when Rose had explained it. Invite Rey for tea, and after she arrived, Ren would happen to stop by.

Poe had still been confused about Ren's fascination with his cousin, and Rose had scoffed and rolled her eyes.  
"They already know each other." She had said, taking Poe aback. "They are-" she started, but paused for a moment. "-old friends."

 

* * *

 

When Rey had arrived he had hurried her out of the downpour of rain that had begun and through his small hallway into his living room. He had been preparing to introduce, or rather, re-introduce, her to Ren. But when he rounded the corner, he found the room empty, aside from the hundreds of floral arrangements and cakes.

"Oh Poe-" she gasped, stepping forward into the room, looking around at the flowers in awe. "Please don't tell me that you're in love with me." She smiled, turning to him.

He laughed, flashing her a toothy grin. "It was meant to be a surprise and you ruined it." He pouted, as she sat upon his small couch. Poe opened his mouth to speak, but was rudely interrupted by three loud knocks on his wooden door.

"Excuse me for a moment." He turned back on his heel, opening his front door to find Ren drenched from head to toe, his once slick hair now curled at the ends and glued to his face and neck, his eyes wild and feral and full of need for something.

He stepped past Poe and into the living room in only a few long steps, dropping water into Poe's carpet. Suddenly he stopped, looking out of the threshold, eyes glued to where she sat, his breathing ragged and quick.

"Who was it Poe-" her words died in her mouth as she turned to face him. Her heart near stopped as she stared wide eyed at the man in the doorway. "Kylo" she all but gasped, her eyes watery.

A small smile broke across Ren's face, his eyes practically igniting. "Rey."

Poe broke the moment with a small cough, and suddenly the room was tense.

The three remained in silence, Poe beside Rey on the couch as she stared unflinchingly down at her hands, Kylo standing across from them.

"So-" Ren began, placing his hand on a small shelf, accidentally knocking a small clock from its place, the crash of it hitting the floor was deafening in the small room. Ren flushed, scrambling to pick up the clock and form a sentence in her presence. "I'll get that fixed, old sport." He finally blurted out, and then the room returned to silence.

After a few excruciating minutes that felt like a hundred years, Poe made the smartest decision of his life and excused himself to make tea. When he peered back into the room, he found Ren and Rey deep in hushed conversation, his hand holding hers softly, her eyes glowing in the overcast light streaming from his windows. Not wishing to interrupt, he quietly slipped on his coat, and left through his own back door.

 

* * *

 

"Why does it feel like it has been a lifetime?" He asked into her hair.

Rey smiled and leant into his breath, the feeling like silk against her skin. "Tell me about it" she laughed, her voice barely a whisper.

"Come back with me." He wasn't asking.

She nodded silently, following him out to his car, Poe and his tea long forgotten.

And now here she was, lying in his sheets, staring up at the gorgeous ceiling, their laughter filling the room as he tossed his expensive shirts from the second floor of his room, and they fluttered down to cover her in their riches.

"I could give you everything, Rey. None of this matters," he tossed another shirt down, "without you here to share it." He laughed loudly, tossing more and more until suddenly Rey felt overwhelmed.

Her laughter died in her throat, replaced by short sobs, and after a few moments he finally noticed, his laughter subsiding and he dropped the folded clothes in his hand and rushed down to meet her.

"What's wrong?" He asked, taking her gently into his arms, his eyes so jarring she couldn't bear to look.

"It's just so much-" she said honestly, her eyes stinging with warm tears that she fought to hold back.

It was too much. Too much wealth and power, and while part of her revelled in that, something deep inside her shouted that this was all too beautiful to be wasted on her. She wished she could will that voice away, know that she was worth the admiration of these men who were too good to her. But still it persisted, and she was growing tired of fighting with herself in this life, of tiptoeing this dangerous line.

He lay beside her, staring out of his large window to the pier and the water beyond, a faint flash of a lifetime just past flickered behind his eyes for a moment, blue waters and Rey beneath their glow. He shook the thought away.

Rey followed his eyes, from here she could just faintly make out the hazy shape of her and Finn's home. It caught her breath for a moment. "That's my house." She said, reaching out toward the window almost tentatively. In the overcast light she could see something shining faintly in the distance, blue and bright, subdued in the daylight glare.

"Every night I would look out at that light, and hoped that maybe you might have been looking back, that maybe you would come home to me."

And with that she was falling deep into his sheets, whispering and laughing and crying all at once, her eyes filled with tears, of joy or sadness she wasn't sure.

And when it was over, and the sun had begun to set, he whispered into her ear with finality.

"Leave him for me."

 

* * *

 

 

Ren was to arrive for dinner at 6pm that Friday. He had instructed her to tell Finn that she didn't love him, and that she was leaving him.  
In theory it seemed simple, but rarely in her lives did anything happen simply.

Rose and Poe arrived earlier, but did nothing to ease the strange tension in the room that began to culminate when Ren arrived.

The room and Finn's suspicious gaze were boiling her alive, and her hands shook beneath the table. Many times Ren tried to prompt her, but no matter how awkward his phrases made the air, Rey couldn't bring herself to break Finns heart.

Finally, his eyes growing dark and restless, Ren stood from the table. "Rey is there _something_ you need to say?" He said through gritted teeth.

Finns eyes narrowed and he turned his head to look from Kylo to her. "Is _there_ , Rey?" He asked, half curious, half accusingly.

Rey panicked, standing quickly and rushing toward the cabinet on the side of the room. She lifted a cigarette to her mouth and tried desperately to light it without much luck.

Without so much as a creak of the floorboard, Ren was by her side, lighting her cigarette with one flick of his finger on the lighter.

She turned quickly, stepping away from him.

"It so hot! It's _too_ hot here, isn't it Rose?-" she looked frantically towards the girl, who nodded lightly. "I have an idea! Let's all go to the city, I'll get us a suite, we can-

" _ **Rey**_." Ren tried to stop her, his hand on her forearm causing Finn to stand with a clutter. The room now dead silent once again as Rey retreated from his touch.

"I think that is a great idea." Finn spoke, his voice low and with a growling tone that Rey had never heard from him before.

Then she was in Ren's car, speeding haphazardly through the traffic as they raced ahead of Finn, Rose and Poe. They darted and weaved through traffic at high speeds without so much as a second glance from Ren.

She refused to speak, even once they had arrived at the suite.

The tension only mounted higher and higher as the group reunited. Poe and Rose sat upon the couch, their lips tightly sealed and eyes glued to the scene so ready to unfold in front of them.  
Finally, Ren broke.

"Tell him, Rey." He seethed, eyeing Finn darkly.

Finn rose from his seat defensively, his eyes clear and his voice so sharp she was sure it could slice right through her skin. "Tell me _what_ , Rey?"

She stammered, her eyes filling with hot tears, she couldn't do it, couldn't break him like this, she knew he would never recover. She didn't know if this life went on when she was gone, but she couldn't risk a life of heartache for her sweet Finn, for a moment in the sun with Kylo.

"I can't-" she gasped, eyes downcast.

Rose's heart broke for the woman, and she attempted to break the scene. "Would anyone else like some ice, I would **_love_** some ice!" She said, beginning to stand.

" _Sit down Rose_." Finn barked, his gaze never leaving Kylo.

"Tell him Rey, or _I_ will." Ren threatened, his hands beginning to shake as he clenched them at his sides.

She shook her head, unable to speak.

A tray of crystal glasses were sent shattering to the floor, small cuts on Ren's palms beginning to drip scarlett. A moment of rage that sent her receding into her seat.

"She doesn't love you, Finn, she _never_ has. She loves _me_ -" his voice is almost mocking, taunting the other man. "Say it Rey," he turned to her desperately, stepping toward her. She recoiled further into the seat and he stalled. " _Please_ say it Rey."

Finn's teeth grind with anger. "Say it Rey, I'll believe it as soon as you say that it is true. Go ahead, _say it_!" He near screamed, every word dripping with poison and hurt.

"I'm sorry" she sobbed, lifting herself from the chair. "I just _can't_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My hands cramped writing this and I realised that the party is happening on a Monday but hey let's be real when you're an eccentric billionaire you can do whatever you want, so suspend some disbelief just a little bit there.


	5. Inmate #1267656

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A gunshot, a pain, a Seinfeld re-run, some fresh tears.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> You thought this was gonna be a fluffy soulmates au? Honey, you've got a big storm coming.

Ren caught her wrist before she could make it through the front doors of the building.

Rey turned to him, trying to pull away from his grip, and his possessive gaze. His hair was matted to his face with beads of sweat, and his breath heavy, having run down the stairs to catch her. Drops of his blood from the cuts on his palm began to stream down her forearm, he didn't seem to care, his eyes never leaving her face as he studied her.

"Let me go." She said, pulling again, his grip only tightened.

"Let me take you home." He spoke, his thumb rubbing circles into the underside of her wrist.

She swallowed the thick feeling that coated the inside of her mouth and nodded, causing Ren rushing to get the car brought around.

When Finn came rushing from the doors, his eyes wild and feral, his hair and moustache messy and out of place, he watched as Ren's bright red car pulled quickly away from the curb, screaming through the traffic. Slamming his fist into the nearest object, a metal pole, with a growl he demanded his car to be brought around as well.

Rose and Poe had no choice but to sit silently in the back of the car as Finn brewed in his anger.

"My own wife-" he muttered, his words trailing under his breath, "how _dare_ he, he could never-".

Poe was sure he had never heard a man's heartbreak in his voice, had never even seen the calm tempered Finn raise his voice above a drunken yell, and now he all but screamed into the night air as they sped, trying desperately to catch up to Rey and Ren.

Rose chewed on her lip, hands toying with her necklace. She had known that Rey was unhappy as Finn's wife, although she hadn't understood why until Ren had asked for her help. It had all clicked, clear as crystal. But now Rose watched helplessly as the crystal began to crack, and the vision faded before her eyes. She couldn't help but to feel that perhaps she should have said no to Ren, never allowed Rey to make this decision.

There was a silent, but unanimous thought shared in the air between the three, _at least this night couldn't get any worse._

In fact, the thought had only crossed Poe's mind mere seconds before they drove into the Valley of Ashes, and the red and blue lights began to grow in his vision.

"Oh my _god_." Rose cried, unable to tear her eyes from the scene as Finn pulled to a stop. The woman's body was slowly covered with a black sheet, her eyes lifeless and dull.

Finn rushed from the car to a man standing not too far from the woman, his face puffy from tears. "My friend, I am so sorry, what-" Finn rubbed a hand over his face, exhausted. "What happened?" He asked, placing a hand on his hip.

The man in the grease stained clothes sobbed, spoke to Finn in hushed tones. And as quickly as they had arrived, Finn had handed the man a small card with a sad smile, and they were racing once again towards the house.

 

* * *

 

 

"Poe, old sport, I need to ask of you another favour." Ren had stammered through the telephone the next morning, and Poe had hazily agreed. Stumbling from his home, still far too tired to function, he made his way to Ren's gates and was allowed entry. He found Ren huddled over the bumper of his bright red car, the telltale splashes of crimson across the silver detailing catching Poe's wide eyes.

"Kylo, you didn't-" he began, shocked and slightly scared, taking a step back.

Ren turned to him with fire in his eyes, the sponge in his hand dripping with watered down suds and streaks of blood.

"Please, it's-" he had began, voice weak and shaken.

Suddenly, Poe understood, remembering the sight of Rey's mousy hair gleaming gold in the sunset, as she drove frantically away from the building. "It wasn't you, _was it?_ " He asked, rolling his sleeves as he leant to pick a sponge from the bucket.

"She's scared-" Kylo's voice was barely a whisper as he scrubbed at the patches of blood. Poe knelt to join him, a silent understanding between them as they attempted to wash away Rey's mistakes.

 

* * *

 

 

"Rey, open the door, _please_." Finn croaked, his eyes watery and bones stiff. He hadn't slept in hours, refused too. He only wanted to see her, to speak to her, to hold her. He wanted her to look at him, to know that she didn't love Ren, that she loved him, that he was enough for her.

The sun was growing lower in the sky, and Finn had sunk to the floor, his back pressed firmly against the large, intricate wooden door. His eyes were heavy and his breathing ragged. He wished nothing more than to sleep, but he knew that she was somewhere in there, and he needed to hear her say it. He was beginning to grow restless, thinking more and more about kicking and punching until the door was nothing more than splinters in his flesh, and she was there and had to look at him, was forced to face him and her mistakes.

Instead, he asked her a final time. "Say that you don't love me, and I will let you go."

He heard her weight press against the other side of the door. "I can't, it's not true." She spoke softly, her voice floating beneath the crack of the door.

His heart swelled for a moment. "Tell me that you don't love _him_." He spoke, more clearly than before.

Thud, her head softly pressing against the wood. "I can't say that either."

He rose with a yell, his fist colliding with the door as it splintered beneath his hand, the sound sending her scrambling across the room on the other side. Her flesh was freezing on the cold tiles, heart beating so hard she could hear it ringing in her ears. His footsteps echoed loud through the hall, and she was frozen in time and space, stuck in her sadness for what seemed like forever.

Nobody came to see her, or bring her food, or play music in her quiet room. She didn't move, leaning silently against the wall, staring out across the window. She could barely make out the shape of Ren's mansion as the Saturday night fog began to clear, making way for the light of Sunday's dawn.

She wondered if he was doing the same, if his shirts still covered his floor, as if she had never left the bed. Maybe it still smelt of her hair, maybe you could still see the imprint of her body in the soft mattress.

Maybe he was reaching out too, hands outstretched in some sort of twisted prayer to the altar of her.

She remained there, searching for him for thousands of lifetimes, trying to feel his heartbeat in the floor beneath her, but her hands found nothing but cold tiles and pieces of the mans heart she had shattered right here.

Then, through the pure calm of the afternoon sun, she heard it.

The faintest echo all too loud in her ears.

 _A gunshot_.

Rey looked down to her chest, found his blood seeping through her clothes, felt the pain in her own chest. " _No_." She gasped, near falling down the stairs in her haste. She flung open the window, rushing out onto the outer balcony, staring straight across the water, eyes pouring with cold rain. " _ **No**_ -" she said, louder this time. She felt the last of his blood draining from her chest. She repeated herself a final time, a helpless scream across the endless waters.

She was too late.

The sound of footsteps rang loudly in her ears, but she was frozen again. Finn was behind her, his hands in his pockets. She could feel him there, victory on his lips, desire in his breath.

Rey closed her eyes, crumpling against the railing, she felt herself drifting away, as Finns strong arms caught her from below. With her last moment of consciousness, she pushed him away, opening her eyes for one final glance across the water.

And she swore, that from just beyond her view, the faintest blue light was pulsing, calling out for her.

"I'm coming-" she whispered, eyes drooping from exhaustion.

Before she left, she sent her final thought for this life out into the world, a bare breath, so quiet only she could hear it.

" _I'm coming home_."

 

* * *

 

 

Rey woke with a gasp, clutching at her throat to make sure she was still breathing. Her heart raced in her chest, red and screaming at her, a reminder of the mistakes of the life barely past.

The TV in the room was still playing, a Seinfeld re-run casting bright light into the otherwise dark room. She turned her head, the digital clock beside her reading **5:45am.**

In front of her, the laptop was still half opened, pushed aside when she had dozed off. She pulled it into her lap, sitting up against the headboard.

It woke with a whirr and her face was illuminated by the page she had opened.

**INMATE PUBLIC FILE  
**_Inmate #1267656_  
Name: Solo, Ben.  
Aliases: Ren, Kylo.  
Charges: 4 counts of murder in the first degree.  
Sentence: Death by lethal injection.

_ **Execution date: Sunday the 22nd of April.** _

Rey's eyes darted to the corner of her screen. **04/16/17.**

 

* * *

 

 

Beside her bed she found a stack of letters, the latest one half opened, a pair of glasses acting as a paperweight. She slipped the glasses onto her nose and opened the top letter.

_Dear Rey,_

_Your letters are the only highlight of my dark days. Your words keep me sane in the moments I wish to cry and tear through the bars of this cell. If this room seemed small before, it is now tiny, it's closing in on me so quickly, I am trapped and there's nowhere left to run. All I have done is catching up to me now, my legs are growing so tired, Rey. There is no fight left in me.  
Before you, I would have begged for them to kill me quicker, push up my execution, asked for pussy as a last meal._

She laughed at that, tears making her eyes sting as she continued.

_But now I know, I'm not ready to die, Rey._

There were tear stains on the paper, and they were not hers.

 _I suppose that neither were the people I killed. I robbed them of that choice, it seems only fair that I too am denied it. The regret will never leave, this penetrating sadness, I wish I could scream it until it hurt, how sorry I am, how I would trade my life for theirs._  
_But it won't work, so what's the use in killing me anyway? I could do so much._  
 _When I was young I wanted to be a doctor. I'm smart enough too, could have easily made it if it wasn't for him._  
I guess what I'm saying is, I wish I had been saving lives instead of taking them, I wish I still could, stop another person, another family, from feeling the way I feel.  
There's still so much I've never done.  
I want to read the constellations, build a fire in the woods, I want to sing into the night sky and hear it sing back even when I am alone.  
I want to know how it feels to love someone, to be loved.  
I wish I could do so much more.  
I wish I could've said goodbye to my father, I wish my mother didn't think that I was a monster, that I could say goodbye to her too.  
I wish I had a dog, like a little fluffy dog that loved me like a mother.  
I wish that I could've had a son, or a daughter, known what it was like to create life instead of taking it, god I can never forgive myself Rey.  
I deserve this, I know that I deserve this.

 _But I am so scared._  
_I knew what I was doing was wrong, but where else was I meant to go. I was a child, my family didn't love me, I had no friends, I would have died on those streets._  
 _Snoke knew, that I was vulnerable, that I was so sickeningly weak. He used me, like a puppet, made me do those things. I still can't wash the blood from my hands._  
It's not an excuse, I promise. I deserve to rot for what I did, but I can't rot and fester and leave this world without having done anything of worth.  
I don't want to be just another evil man in history, another cold blooded killer who got what was coming.

 _I can never undo what I did, Rey, I know that. I have never been able to forgive myself, but when I read your words, I believe that there is good in me, there is some sort of light in this deep darkness that I let consume me. You make me believe that I am worthy of a life, of something more than the abyss. That there are people out there who could forgive me, that there is a foundation of a life I may be able to build, a far off sun that I want to stand beneath._  
_I wish that I could meet you before I leave the earth, feel some of the light, that goodness ingrained so deep into your soul._  
 _ **Will you meet me?**_  
 _I don't expect you to say yes, but I can only hope you may.  
Thank you Rey, for everything you have done for me._

_Yours,  
Ben Solo._

She picked up the stack of letters, the eldest dating back almost 2 years, and she read each one carefully, as though the papers would crumble if she held them too tight.

 

* * *

 

 

_Ben,_

_I am glad my words bring you comfort, I would not wish anything but that for you._  
_This world is a very dark place, filled with very dark people. There is evil here, but I do not believe that you are evil. I think you are good, Ben._  
 _I understand how it feels to be scared, I was always scared.  
Last November you told me that fear was useless and temporary, but I don't think you have ever believed that. The light has been there all along, I have done nothing to bring it out, that was something you found on your own._

 _The past is set in stone, you cannot rewrite what has already happened. Those people are gone, and the blood dried long ago. Forgive yourself, Ben, it has been 11 years._  
_There are hundreds of people fighting for you, for your life, for that opportunity for you to still deserve a choice. I read every article on you I can get my hands on, you would cry if you saw just how many people understand that you, Ben Solo, were only a kid who needed help.  
The system failed you, and for that I am sorry._

_I wish I could give you the chance to have said goodbye to Han. But maybe there is still time for your mother. I am going to email her tonight, I want her to know that her son isn't dead, that he is alive and so deserving of a chance, a shot at forgiveness.  
You are truly endearing, Ben. And I'm sure you would have been a fantastic doctor, maybe not a very good children's doctor, however. But I think you could've handled adults just fine. You may feel that you have done nothing worthy in your life, but you saved me just as much as I saved you. I know that you are not ready to die, but nobody truly ever is. Never forget, there is always hope, in darkness always a light._

_I want to meet you._

_For me, that would be enough, I hope that it will be that way for you also._

_Yours,  
Rey. _

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Death row pen pals Rey and Ben was probably the best idea stoned me ever came up with.  
> Also if u didn't catch that: Gatsby Finn definitely had something to do with that gunshot.  
> Writing dark Finn was fun and not something I've seen before in the fandom.


	6. Visitation Hours

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Rey finally meets her prison pen pal.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok I promise I turned down the angst a little for this chapter.

Rey had taken a well deserved nap, not waking again until almost 3 in the afternoon. She had padded lazily around her tiny apartment, making tea with still shaking hands and staring out the small window on her wall. It was cracked and dirty and facing a brick wall.

_What a view._

Had her lives always been this complicated? This filled to the brim with sadness and bile and her poison words that broke and bent the people around her? She supposed that maybe it had. Maybe she was the curse, only brought to lives to ruin them.

At 11 she had stolen cameras from tourists and pawned them for cash, at 12 she would fight other unloved kids just for a meal, at 13 she had-  
Rey's whole body shuddered at the thought, skin erupting with gooseflesh.  
The point being that maybe she wasn't this beautiful light that Ben Solo made her believe herself to be, perhaps she was the dark, and she was just too blind to see how her sadness infected everyone else until it was too late.

Maybe she was just thinking about it too much.

Folding her legs beneath her, she sat on the big, fluffy cushions on the floor, placing her tea on the coaster, also on the floor.

She drew a deep, shaking breath, picking up the small, cheap phone and dialling the number she had saved in her contacts

_**Coruscant Correctional Facility.** _

It rang for times, every tone harrowing and looming high above her, as if it could send her thin walls crumbling around her, caving her in forever. Was this how Ben felt in his cell, trapped and scared and alone like a caged orca. Rotting from the inside outwards, brown eyes large and sad and pleading.

"Coruscant Correctional Facility. For public visiting hours, press one. For information regarding legal issues, press two. For information regarding an inmate, press three. For other concerns please press four to speak to a correctional officer. Thank you for calling-"

Rey was unsure which to press, she had no clue about anything that happened within prisons, her depth of knowledge limited to the singular episode of Orange is the New Black she had watched months ago.  
She pressed four and was placed on hold again, the ringing replacing the robotic woman's voice.

"Coruscant Correctional Facility, how can I help." It was less of a question and more of a forced nicety. The mans voice was monotonous and bored and Rey couldn't help but feel offput.

"Hi, sorry I wasn't sure which to press. I'm just wondering about how I go about visiting an inmate-" she was abruptly cut off by the man, who seemed annoyed by her request.

"Ma'am, pressing two gives you the information needed in regard to visitation, have a lovely day-" It was Rey's turn to cut him off.

"-an inmate on death row?" She asked, her voice clearer than it had been, more stern in her frustration. No matter what lives she occupied, she found that there was this tendency for men in positions of power to speak over women like her, who weren't tall and foreboding and strong in the traditional sense. Rey believed deeply in respect and kindness, but she'd be buried alive before she let a man not allow her to speak.

The man seemed surprised, a moment passing before he answered, his voice less aggressive and more curious. "Well, visitation for death row inmates is typically reserved for family members-" another moment of silence, "I don't wish to intrude, ma'am, but may I ask _which_ inmate you are inquiring about?" His hushed tone indicated that this was not a question he should be asking, but she understood the morbid curiosity, especially since many of the death row inmates did not seem to be very popular within the community. She was sure that there were not many visitors at all, aside from priests and officers.

"Um- it's Ben Solo." She replied, surprised by how nervous the name made her feel, even just speaking it to a stranger.

"Oh shit." A woman's voice said, before the man began stumbling through a hushed apology. "What is your relation ma'am?" His voice was back to its professional monotone, and she heard him quietly shush the woman she supposed was listening in.

"I'm not family or anything but, my name is Rey and I've been his pen pal for like, two, maybe _three_ years. I'd like to meet him before-" she swallowed the creeping darkness in her threat, banished it back to whatever depth is crawled from, "-his execution."

There was silence on both ends for a few moments, before he heard the man speak quietly, his hand on the receiver muffling his voice. "What do I do?" She thought she heard him say.

And then there was a woman speaking, her voice softer, younger perhaps. "I'll list you as his sister, you can come in on Wednesday at 2:30, you will have exactly half an hour." She seemed almost apologetic in her words, Rey felt her shoulders soften with the woman's kind gesture.

"Thank you so much."

 

* * *

 

 

Rey spent the next day doing as much research as possible. She scanned every letter he had sent to her. This Rey seemed to be a bit of a hoarder, as she had kept copies of the full drafts of every letter she had sent him. She must have been the only person in the universe who wrote drafts of a letter to a prison pen pal.

She found details from his trial, and nearly threw up when she learned that his lawyer had told him to plead guilty for a reduced sentence, but later admitted that he had advised his client to do so in order to get the highest possible sentence.  
In Coruscant, that was the death penalty.

He was only 15 when he had committed the murders, still only 17 when they had found the bodies. They tried him as an adult, a controversial decision by the DA, as they disregarded his pleas and testimonies, that he was a brainwashed kid who still needed help, even then.

He spent the next 11 years behind bars as his execution date was postponed time and time again. In his letters he explained the intense loneliness, the feeling of dying slowly, the disassociation from any sense of an identity he once held.

Perhaps the reason she felt such a deep connection to the words he wrote was because for the first time in her entire life, someone else was feeling the way she had always felt, without her having to say it at all.

The loneliest kindred spirit.

 

* * *

 

 

On Wednesday she felt an odd calm when she woke, she went through the motions of getting ready, and didn't flinch or cry or hurt at all.  
Something nagging in the back of her head was saying, _you've lived this a thousand times._

Although none had ever been like this, the voice was right. She had met him a million times, maybe more, and each time she had been scared and pathetically nervous. But now? Now she felt some strange abstract feeling that she couldn't quite put her finger on. The question of it plagued her mind as she drove, as she went through the extensive prison security, the forms, the waiting.

When she was led into the room, saw him sitting in that chair, small and crumpled like a child, and his eyes caught hers from under his lashes, she finally found the answer she had been looking for.

 _Relief_.

The relief that could only come from feeling the life of someone you love drain from within you only hours before, and then seeing them look at you like it never even happened.  
She had to remind herself that for him, it hadn't happened.

Neither of them spoke as she sat. He studied her face like a child studied their food, she should have felt scrutinised, small beneath his gaze. But something was sad and broken inside him, his eyes were so soft and filled with torment he felt that nobody else could understand. Nobody else, except for her.

She reached across the table, placed her hand on his, let him warm beneath her grip. If this is what it took, she would pull every last inch of darkness and sadness from inside him, she would swallow it and hide it within herself. She would let her lights dim, if it meant that his could shine for one crappy moment, before they went out once again.

Yet still, neither spoke, they had no need too. She knew what he would say and so forth. They understood, that's all that was needed.

"Rey." He finally spoke, and his voice had never been so filled with bees and her name, so terrifying and sweet. "Marry me." He spoke, not asked, with a voice that made her weak in the knees. "I just want to know how it feels for one day." He spoke, not able to look her in the eyes.

It took her a moment, but he let her think. Never once did she let go of his hand, and it's weight kept him grounded, stopped him from floating away. Just as her letters had done for so long. He was unsure how he breathed without her, it was almost unhealthy, but it's not like he had much time to worry about what was healthy and what wasn't. The sands were running out, he had no time for tip-toeing.

"Okay." She answered, and his eyes snapped to hers. "I'll marry you."

When the CO returned to collect her, he was openly confused to find himself the first guest to arrive to an engagement party. "Congratulations, _I think_." The man said, eyes narrowing and brows raising on his face. "I'm gonna be honest, I'm not exactly _sure_ of the protocol here, I've gotta talk to my boss." And then he was gone, nothing but a flash of white and a metaphorical puff of smoke.

Rey laughed, and Ben looked at her like it was the most beautiful song he had ever heard. He wished he could hear that every day of his short life, wished he could wake to the sound of her smile, her warmth.

Deputy Warden Armitage Hux was the type of man to suck all light and warmth out of a room.  
When he entered the space behind the CO, it was no exception to that fact.

Under the mans piercing, hateful gaze, Ben visibly steeled.

Rey wondered what type of treatment one had to undergo to recoil so visibly.

Hux looked from Ben to Rey and back again, his eyes low and expression slightly smug. He looked down to the clip board in his hand, then back to the pair again, a condescending look on his face. "According to Coruscant state laws it is illegal to marry one's own sister. No wedding will take place. You may leave." And with that he went to turn on his heel.

Rey laughed again, freezing the man in place, and earning a wild glance from Ben. "I'm not his sister, I'm his pen-pal, and _now_ I'm his fiancée."

Hux spun, eyes glaring daggers into the pitiful girl who had the nerve to laugh at him. "You _cannot_ be here, visitation is _strictly_ for family _only_." He seethed, pointing an accusatory finger at her.

"Do fiancées not qualify as family under state law?" She asked, not moving from her seat. Across from her Ben began to thaw, a small smile tugging at the corners of his lips.

Hux opened his mouth, but found no words to say. Promptly shutting his lips, the man huffed, turning to face away from her, his hand clamped firmly behind his back.  
"You are to arrive Friday at noon. You may bring one, and only _one_ , member of immediate family." And with that he was stepping out of the room, pausing to wait for Rey to follow.

She stood, giving Bens hand one final grip as she asked one last question.

"So after that are allowed a conjugal visit?"

Rey had never seen a man turn so red in her entire life.

 

* * *

 

 

Back at home Rey thumbed through the few contacts in her phone, unsure of who she was meant to invite. Pizza Delivery Guy? Maybe he could cater for them. Finn? She didn't exactly feel like seeing Finn right now.  
She was at a loss, highly considering just going alone.  
Then she remembered Bens letter.

Maybe she could make two wishes come true at once.

She pulled her laptop close, scrolling back through one of the articles she had read before she left. She found what she was looking for, a name.

Leia Organa was easy enough to find, not so easy to contact. In the end, Rey had put her last shred of hope into a number she had found in a tattered old phone book.

The phone rang so long Rey had just about given up, ready to end the call when it finally connected.

" _ **What**_?" The woman's voice was tired but sharp.

"Hi, uh- is this Leia Organa?" She asked, fingers crossed so hard her knuckles turned near white.

"I don't do interviews, I don't care what you're paying, have a great day you piece o-" she began, and Rey was terrified the woman would hang up on her.

"I don't want an interview! Please don't hang up!" Rey pleaded.

"Give me one good reason I shouldn't." The woman snapped.

A beat passed before Rey spoke again. "I'm Rey, I'm Ben's fiancée." She heard a noise from the other side, unsure if it was a cry or a gasp.

"Please, go on." 

Rey explained for hours, listened to Leia sob as she read the words he had written, the stories he had told of Leia's kind eyes, her terrible cooking, her sharp wit, his wish to see her once again, for her to look at him and see her son, not the monster she believed him to be.

The next day, Rey found herself driving to Leia's home in the suburbs, being greeted with open arms by the small, regal looking woman.

They drank tea and not a moment was filled with silence or sadness. Leia cried, but every tear of joy, that the son she thought she had lost was not so far from reach.

"Rey, will you do me a favour?"

 

* * *

 

 

She felt Leias hands shakily smooth the fabric at her back, and when she caught a glimpse of the woman in the mirror of her shoulder, tears had started streaming all over again.

"I never thought that I would see this moment." Leia spoke, her lips curled into a saccharine smile.

Rey looked at herself in the mirror, the dress was a little loose, but it was simple and beautiful all the same. There was small lace detail on the flowing half sleeves, but otherwise the dress was light, plain white fabric, cinched by a small ribbon at the waist. Leia had slipped a beautiful, equally simple diamond ring onto her finger, insisting that it was hers to keep, that it belonged to her now.

Wiping away a small, hot tear, Rey choked out a laugh, turning to embrace the woman.

" _Me neither_."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My chapter format is getting worse and worse but that's just cause I'm getting like spurts of wanting to write and post instead of waiting and then posting but like tbh who cares.
> 
> Also omg thank you guys for all the hits and comments and kudos!!!


	7. Motorsport

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A ceremony and a thousand lions at her window.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please listen to Bob Dylan: A-Hard Rains A-Gonna Fall while you read the wedding because I promise it makes it a million times more beautiful and heart wrenching.

Rey had never felt more out of place than she did right now, sitting much too overdressed next to an even more overdressed Leia, who was holding a raggedy looking brown Pomeranian, in the prison waiting room.

"This is Chewie, he was- Hans dog." Was all Leia had to say too her, and Rey understood what the dog meant to Leia, it was a small piece of her late husband that she could bring along to witness something they had always thought unfathomable.

And Rey didn't really mind all the eyes on her for once.

"Are you Rey?" The woman asked, and Rey turned to face her. Rose was smaller in this life, her hair longer than it had been. Finn stood awkwardly next to her, wringing his hands behind his back.

"I am." Rey replied with a curt smile, spinning the ring on her finger.

"I'm Rose and this is Finn-" She said, as if Rey didn't already know, "-We talked on the phone the other day." Rose continued, awkwardly rubbing her forearm.

"Oh that- that was you guys!" Rey laughed, extending a hand out to them.

Finn shook it, two pumps then release, an ultra-formal gesture that felt forced from the man.

Rose ignored the hand and instead enveloped Rey in a strange hug, bending her knees to wrap herself around Rey's seated form. An all too casual gesture to balance out Finns.

"So its true, someone really is marrying _Ben Solo_." Finn spoke, placing emphasis on Ben's name.

"Um, yeah, that would be me I suppose. Unless he has been cheating on me with another pen pal, how scandalous." Rey tried to joke, a moot attempt to lift the grey-ish atmosphere that seemed to settle over the entire prison.

Rose laughed, Finn didn't.

"Oh yeah- I forgot, we're meant to be taking you to the chapel!" Rose suddenly said, turning to Finn to smack him roughly on the arm. "You were meant to remind me!" She scolded in a hushed voice.

And then Rose was leading them through the halls, almost giddy with excitement.

"I apologise for her behaviour ma'am." Finn spoke, not even turning to look at her.

"I just love weddings!" Rose called from over her shoulder with a smile.   
Rose's happiness was infectious, and by the time they arrived to the chapel doors, Rey's cheeks felt like they would fall off from how hard she was smiling.

When Rey was a little girl she imagined her wedding to be something out of a fairytale. She had pictured herself as the princess in the beautiful gown, hundreds of adoring eyes on her as she walked down to meet her blond haired, blue eyed, perfect prince.He would kiss his her gently and sweep her off of her feet and she would never have to worry about a thing in her life ever again, because he would be there and she would be happy.

What young Rey could have never imagined was the way Ben Solo was looking at her in this moment. No perfect prince could ever compete with these eyes, like bottomless pits pulling her in so deeply, so filled with kindness and love and sorrow.

She could only hope that her eyes were filled with forgiveness, light and heat, the things he craved so endlessly.

She walked down the small aisle like she had never taken a step before.

Ben smiled, stray tears streaking down his cheeks, his gaze never faltering from the round of her shoulders, the miles and miles of her body, the deep canyons of her waist, the vast raging oceans hiding somewhere in her, the sunlight that radiated from her kind heart. Everything he had ever dreamed of, the freedom of escape, all encapsulate in the endlessness of her.

And although the ceremony was brief and formal, and it had been nothing like she had always imagined, it was a thousand times better than anything her mind could've made up, because she had him, and that was enough for a thousand lives to come and go.

In front of her he was both a child and a man, a thousand incarnations of her manifestation of love.

The music was quiet as they danced, Leia sobbed but never looked away, her eyes bright and blue, like quiet waves pulled by the moon, the constellations of them so bright and burning.

"I love you." She had whispered into his hair, his arms wide and soft and holding her forever.  
And as they escorted him back through the doors, placing the burning steel cuffs back onto his wrists, he looked to her a final time.

"I know."

 

* * *

 

 

She felt him go, felt his light dim once again. But this time there was no pain, no sorrow or grief. There was only love, and kindness and, with a smile that creeped onto her face as she fell once again from this world, she felt it from all around her, from within him and her and the entire universe they had shared for a brief, fleeting moment.

_Forgiveness_.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey awoke to screaming so loud she had to grab her face to be sure it wasn't coming from her. It rang loud through the entire room, filling her ears and mind in its sharpness.

Then as startlingly as it had began, it was gone, blown away by the wind.

A loud knock at her front door and before she could even think to open it, her bedroom door was flung open.

Han Solo stood in her threshold, as proud and alive as he had ever been.

"Get up Prospect, there's work to do." And then he was gone and the screaming began, except now it was more like roaring, a hundred lions all at once at her front door.

She peeked out the window and her suspicions were confirmed, there stood Han, a cigarette between his lips, resting casually against a motorcycle, leather vest and all.

She pulled the nearest clothes on, a raggedy black shirt and a pair of dark jeans, and raced to her door, stopping at the entrance to look by her feet. A leather vest, with a singular "I want to believe" patch, a gunmetal light grey helmet with a strange insignia in orange, and a chunky pair of leather boots.

With a huff she slipped them all on, meeting Han where he stood.

Beside Hans impressive grey and chrome bike, was her own. It was a dark, beat up red thing that looked as if it was homemade with love. Judging by the grease beneath her nails, she guessed that it probably was.

Beside Hans bike was attached a side-cart, in it sat an impressive brown Pit bull, with a pair of black goggles firmly over its eyes.

Rey followed Hans lead as he straddled his bike, revving the engine once. She turned her ignition, gripping the handle bars and turning to match him with her own rev. It was just as loud and fierce, and Rey couldn't help but feel a swell of pride in her chest.

Driving a motorcycle came like second nature to her, something deep and knowing in the back of her brain. The feeling of the wind in her face, streaming all around her as she sped and weaved through traffic, feeling the glare of a hundred pedestrians as they roared through town.

She knew when they arrived at the club house, it's high fences on all sides, flanked by guys leaning against their bikes as they came and went.

Han pressed the intercom and the gate opened for them, allowing them to drive into the property.

Atop the fence was barbed wire, and she could see how people were often intimidated or annoyed by the groups, but damn if it didn't feel _good_.

Inside was like the Australian bar, but even worse. It was loud and musty and filled with smoke. In the corner there sat a few guy smoking from a bong, behind them she could see a small room filled with light, a weed plant growing.

Leia emerged behind the bar. "Prospect, you're on bar duty." She said to Rey, and Rey nodded and switched places with the woman.

"Han this is a **big** problem-" she started, turning to Rey briefly, "-some whiskey please, Rey?-" Rey nodded eagerly, ducking beneath the bar to find a glass and the liquor, pouring it for the woman, who looked as if she was carved from iron.

"I'm going to handle it, Leia. There is no way that the First Order will actually vote out Snoke, he's been there for what- 25, 30 years?" He said, glancing briefly at Rey from beneath his furrowed brow when she handed the drink to Leia.

"But what if they _do_ , Han? What if Ben gets in and decides to reignite the war, we're skating on thin ice as it is." Leia spoke between long swigs of her whiskey.

"I will handle it." He reiterated, taking hold of her shoulders reassuringly.

Leia sighed, finishing her drink before slamming the glass down. "Fine. It ends today, take the prospects with you-" she looked to Rey with a smirk, "-they could all learn a thing or two about a good old fashioned fight."

 

* * *

 

 

The First Order Motorcyle Club was the largest in the state, much larger than the Rebels MC, who had been around for much longer, and had once had rule over the entire state itself. Their club house was just as intimidating as their black and red logo, as the hundreds of angry looking bikers who stared down the small fleet of Rebels led by Han Solo who had come to a halt outside their gates.

Rey stood straddled over her bike at the back of the pack next to Finn, another prospect trying to earn his club colours. Slightly behind Han and Chewie the pit bull stood Luke on his impeccably polished blue and chrome Harley. Behind him stood Poe Dameron and his slightly smaller grey pit bull, Bb8.

"What the fuck do you all want?" Someone called from behind their gates.

"Your boss, dumbass!" Han replied with a roll of his eyes, arms crossed cockily over his chest.

After what seemed like forever, but was in actuality only a few moments, out strode three men in impressive black leather outfits.

Led by Snoke, to his left was Armitage Hux, and to his right-

Rey had to hold back a smile.

There stood Kylo Ren, his vest covered in membership patches, his hair long and wild, his eyes so dark and terrifying and making her shudder all over.

He was alive, and he was the enemy.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Yeah boiiiiiii  
> Ok motorcycle club au for a few reasons  
> A- I grew up in a bikie club and there's def misconceptions abt fighting and shit am doing I'm prob making clubs look bad but keep reading I'll do right by the bikies  
> B- Everyone in leather omg


	8. Motorcycle Fight Club

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fighting and Partying are one in the same.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Letting y'all breathe with a break from the angst

"If you're here to fight, you are far outnumbered." Snoke laughed, a deep throaty Croke that made Rey want to plug her ears.

"Let's settle it like we used too. Send in your best." Han called back, not even flinching under the heated gaze of all three men.

Hux scoffed, eyeing the group, a ragtag group of weak rebel scum, even he could best any one of them in a fight.

"Kylo." Snoke muttered, not turning to face the man.

Without hesitation Kylo stepped forward, a smug grin on his face as he towered over every member of the Rebels. This would be easy for him.

Han drew a deep breath, and Rey watched as Poe began to roll up his sleeves, begging to be called into the impromptu street fight.

"Rey." Han called, and all eyes snapped to her.

Rey nervously eyed Han as she stepped forward, removing her helmet and placing it in Poe's arms.

"Is this some sort of joke? I'm not afraid to hit a girl." Kylo spat, eyeing Rey up and down viscously.

"Neither am I." Rey retorted, unsure why she was suddenly so brave in the face of such a looming figure.

Poe laughed loudly, earning a deep glare from Kylo.

Without so much as second thought, Kylo stepped towards her, bringing his fists up and quickly aiming to deliver a single punch to the side of her face.

Rey ducked easily, and before Kylo could process that he had actually missed such an easy target, she swept her leg beneath his feet, sending him stumbling as she extended her arm straight up, the palm of her hand colliding upwards with his nose with a sickening _crunch_.

Then there was blood, and everywhere, and Rey shook her hand out as she stepped away, back towards her bike.

"Come back! We aren't done!" Kylo called, but was hushed by Snoke, who stepped forward to collect the man by his collar, shoving him back towards the gates of the club house, towards Hux's who's shit eating grin almost split his cheeks.

Snoke stared them down before he turned to follow his prodigy, speaking to Hux before he disappeared beyond the gates.

Hux's brow furrowed and he sighed as he walked towards the group.

"Come back Friday, to our party. _No fighting_." He said with finality before turning and following the path of the other men.

Rey turned to Han, wiping her bloodied hand on her shirt. "I think I broke his nose." She said incredulously, eyes wide and electric like every nerve ending had been lit on fire.

Han clapped a hand to her shoulder before getting back on his bike. "Good. Maybe it'll take him down a notch or two." He sighed, and Rey could feel a sort of sadness hiding deep behind his steeled gaze.

As she passed, Poe stopped her with a hand to her forearm. "That was some good work Prospect-" he inspected her palm, "think you could show me that move back at club?"

She nodded earnestly, earning a smile from the man.

"Looks like you're well on your way to getting your colours." Finn smiled at her as she straddled her bike, and she threw a smirk in his direction before bringing the bike beneath her to life.

 

* * *

 

 

On Tuesday she stood beside the bar, watching Finn with a smile as he played on the vintage pinball machine.

"Prospect!" Poe called to her from across the room. She expected him to ask for a drink or a favour, but instead he extended a crooked finger and indicated for her to come closer.

When she made her way over, he threw an arm around her shoulders and sat her down on the plush, dirty couch.

"Fellas, you all know Rey, the prospect-" he began, and she smiled in the general direction of the few men. While they were accepting enough, they seemed irked by her presence. "-now don't go getting your panties all in a twist, Rey here just broke Kylo Ren's big ass nose. You all know what that means." Poe wagged his brows, and immediately the mood shifted. The men broke out into laughter, congratulating her, offering her cigarettes and drinks to celebrate.

Beating a First Order bikie in a fist fight was a longstanding tradition, and although it had fallen out of favour in recent years, the act of doing such was still revered within the club as both a show of loyalty and strength.

Rey felt pride once again, a sense of acceptance and community that she had rarely known began to swell in the air around her.

The footsteps behind them were loud and heavy, and Poe smiled wide as her turned to look over his shoulder with a knowing call.

"Pres!" He smiled, holding his drink up in Leia's direction.

Leia rolled her eyes. "Flyboy." She muttered, earning a loud laugh from everyone except Poe, who frowned dramatically.

Leia Organa was the only female MC president in the country, and among one of the most respected. It was because of her that many of the longstanding inter-club rivalries had dissipated into alliances. Leia had taken the ashes of the Rebels after the end of the war with the Empire MC, and restored the Rebels to the historic and respectable club that they had once been. Her ruthless ways and intense eyes were known around the state, and every other president had decided that it was better to be friends than enemies.

Except for the First Order. Developed as a legacy to Empire, the FOMC was the definition of an outlaw club. They didn't want peace between the clubs, they wanted power. Most clubs rejected the idea, and wished to resist, but the threat was in the sheer numbers of First Order members, and the amount of presidents of opposing clubs who had come in with missing teeth and black eyes and announced amalgamation with the First Order.

The Rebels were one of the few clubs left standing, they offered refuge for patch members of clubs who had joined with the First Order. That's where Rey had come from, she had grown up with the Scavengers MC, a lifelong prospect. Unkar Platt was known for taking in young kids, letting them raise themselves in the community, using them as mules or servants. When Scavengers MC merged with the First Order, Rey had come to the Rebels, and began her prospecting there. Leia and Han had taken her beneath their wing, they even helped pay her rent.

There had been tension just waiting to break, and it wasn't until after years of Leia's careful planning that they had found middle ground, a peace between them and the First Order. But when members of the Rebels started turning up bloody a few weeks ago, pointing fingers at the First Order, that peace began to feel threatened.

"Now usually under _no_ circumstance would I ever invite a Prospect to a First Order party, but seeing as Rey is as dedicated to the club as I believed she was-" Rey heard Poe gasp beside her, and she turned to face Leia.

In Leia's hand were a few, slightly beat up, club patches.

"I think Rey has earned her colours."

The entire building fell silent for a moment, as Rey's eyes almost watered with tears, before erupting into millions of cheers and shouts. The music was turned up until it was blaring through every room, and Rey could feel the bass as it beat with her heart.

She found Finn's eyes, and he whistled loudly at her, a bright warm smile on his face.

_Forgiveness_ , her heart murmured to her, and she smiled back just as widely.

 

* * *

 

 

On Wednesday morning she went to work with Han. She found herself covered in grease as she worked away at trucks and cars and bikes. She fixed exhausts and fan belts and hoisted truck cabins so she could crawl into their massive engines. And she had never felt stronger.

Rey loved working with her hands, taking something broken apart and fixing it. For a moment she stopped and felt cold guilt rush through her. Is that why she loved him? Because she thought she could fix him?

_Because she thought he could fix her?_

The whirr of the machinery brought her back to reality, and she chased away the thoughts with a welding gun, blood pounding in her ears.

 

* * *

 

 

On Thursday they finished work at 4, and had rode into town to buy some supplies for the club. Mainly alcohol, which they bought cheap from a local bar who the club frequented often.

As they arrived, Han was disgruntled to find First Order bikies hanging around outside.

Kylo, Hux, Phasma. Three all too familiar faces in this position for Rey.

"You aren't welcome here." Han barked in their direction, stepping off of his bike and towards them.

Rey grabbed his wrist, reminded him that they were in public, that they had a reputation around here.

Han stopped, but stared down the group, his eyes never leaving his son.

"Relax. We're here as friends, not to fight." Hux spat, his tone anything but friendly.

"I see you are just giving colours to anyone now." Kylo smirked, eyeing Rey up and down, but differently from how he had earlier that week, no less aggressive, but _something_ had shifted.

Rey didn't respond, only took a slow, long look at the bandage on his nose, flicking her eyes back up to his with a smirk.

Frustrated and embarrassed, Kylo quickly switched away from the girl, meeting his fathers gaze once again. "Let's go." He muttered, turning his back as he straddled his black bike, the red and silver detailing shining bright in the afternoon sunlight.

Phasma and Hux followed him, and they rode off quickly in the other direction, leaving Rey and Han in their wake.

From next to them, Chewie groaned, a strange noise that only Pit bulls make, a loving sort of communication.

"I know." Han replied, rubbing the dogs head softly before walking into the bar. Rey stalled for a moment, looking to Chewie.

"For the record-" she stated, the pit watching her with large brown eyes, "-I have no clue what you said." Then, suddenly feeling quite silly and not as cool as Han had looked, she walked quickly into the bar to help Han.

 

* * *

 

 

Pre drinks at the club consisted of her having to do a lot of congratulatory shots for being the newest patch member of the club.

She smiled sadly at Finn from across the bar where he was on duty. "I'm sure you'll get yours soon, it can take years." She reassured.

Finn nodded as he poured a drink for a bearded man down the row. "I know, I was a First Order prospect, I don't expect them to trust me straight away." He shrugged her off, walking the drink down to the man before returning to Rey.

"Then what is bothering you, Finn?" She laughed, slapping him playfully on the shoulder from across the bar.

He looked at her for a moment, as if he was about to speak, then sighed, shrugging his shoulders and smiling at her. "Nothing, I'm just way too sober for all of you."

Rey couldn't quite decipher the look in his eyes, was a little too drunk to even attempt too.

 

* * *

 

 

When they arrived at the First Order clubhouse Rey was even more buzzed, having had shared drinks with Poe and the guys in the back of Han's van.  
The first thing she noticed was the size of the building, then the amount of drunken people, then the thumping music, then Kylo Ren, staring down at her from the bannister of the second floor.

Rey made it her mission to get as far away from his piercing gaze as possible, found herself in a quieter hallway of the building. The walls were filled with pictures, of bikes and group photos, a few vintage Empire patches. At the end of it all was a framed photo of a young man, quite handsome if she might add, his arms strewn around a younger woman. His leather vest adorned with Empire patches. She squinted, trying to read the nickname patch, but the photo was too faded. "Vater?" She asked herself, was that what it said?

" _Vader_." A voice responded, and it took her a moment to realise the voice hadn't come form in her own head. She spun quickly on her heel, finding Luke standing behind her.

As if he sensed the question on her lips, he spoke again. "That's Anakin Skywalker, he was one of the founding members of Empire." He stepped to stand beside her, and she turned again to look at the photo.

They stood like that for a second before she asked. "Skywalker. So he's-" she trailed off, allowing him to finish her sentence for her.

"My father." Luke nodded. "But I didn't even know him until after I had joined the Rebels."

It felt like too much personal information, but for some reason Rey couldn't help but want to know more.

"And Kylo?" She asked, hoping that she wasn't intruding.

Luke sighed. "My fault. Ben was a good kid, prospecting for Rebels and everything. A few of his friends had joined First Order, I knew he was interested-" Luke pinched he bridge of his nose between his thumb and forefinger. "I just wanted to stop him before he made the wrong decision. I made a mistake."

Rey understood how Luke felt, he thought he would be pulling Ben away from the edge, but instead he had only pushed him further over the cliff.

Rey didn't know what to say, instead chose to let the silence wash over them, give him a second to breathe.

Luke cleared his throat, adjusting his leather vest as he looked to her with a small smile. "Thanks for listening." And he spun as if to walk away, but not before completing a half-turn to look back at her, as he pointed at her he spoke again. "You need a new exhaust, I've got one that will fit. Stop by tomorrow and I'll give it to you."

Rey nodded a thank you and watched him turn away, almost jumping out of her skin when another voice took her off guard, this one deeper and creeping down the back of her clothes, sending shivers down her spine.

"Bike help from _Luke Skywalker_? You really are moving up the ladder quickly."

She turned to face Kylo, crossing her arms over her chest as she took a step away, putting distance between them. "What do you want?" She asked, tilting her head to meet his low gaze, her head swimming.

"Honestly? You." He smirked, closing the gap between them again. When Rey took a step back, he followed, closing her in until her back was against the wall. Kylo placed a hand either side of her head caging her in with his body. "Kiss me." He ordered, looking down at her pretty face, her messy hair, everything about her so intoxicating to him.

"Make me." She breathed, tilting her head to the side, catching him eyeing the soft expanse of skin on her throat.

His look was possessive, as if he wanted to mark her, claim her, let the world know that she belonged to him. Part of her resented the fact, another part of her craved it.

His large hands took ahold of her waist, his touch electric even through her clothes, lifting her against the wall.   
Rey wrapped her legs around his waist to keep herself from falling, felt his hard length press against her thigh, his hot breath on her neck, their faces only inches apart.

His lips were like fire against her neck, hot and burning her alive, she tangled her fingers deep in his hair, pulled until she knew it was hurting, let him bite down on the junction of her shoulder and neck. She angled her hips down, feeling him rub against her with a groan, his eyes heavy and dark.

Just as she was ready to let him take her right then and there, she was tumbling back to the floor, eyes wide and embarrassed as Han all but pried them apart with a yell.   
" _What the hell do you think you're doing_?"

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday she slumped over the bar, head pounding and eyes covered by a pair of Han's old aviator sunglasses.

Leia hadn't let Rey out of her sight after Han had found them, but she could hardly say she was surprised. Rey was young, smart and intimidatingly strong. Everything her son had rejected in women up until this point. His girlfriends had been older, vulnerable, dumb women that he would toy with and throw away, but there was something about Rey that Leia knew her son wouldn't be able to resist.

Han had yelled and caused a scene as he slammed doors and made a not so graceful exit with Rey in tow, the smirk on her face and bright red marks on her exposed neck earning hollers and cheers from men and women alike.

Leia had taken the girls hand, pulled the ties from her hair to let it cover her neck, and sat her on the couch beside Poe, who had only laughed and teased Rey lightly.

"That was unnecessary Han." Rey remembered hearing Leia scolding the man, who had scoffed and crossed his arms over his chest.

"She was about to fuck our son in the hallway!" Han replied, brows furrowing as he made a gesture towards Rey.

The words sent Poe's brows shooting upwards. "You we're gonna fuck Kylo?" He laughed, his eyes wide and mouth agape.

Rey groaned, covering her face with her hands, letting Han and Leia bicker above her, and Poe laugh at her side, she just wished she could sink into the couch.   
So she drank until she had.

And now she was regretting it. Not the whole Kylo thing, that she wished had never been broken up. But she was definitely never drinking again. Even the ringing of her phone sounded like alarms blaring all around her, deafening her sensitive ears.

"Hello?" She answered groggily.

"You sound great." Kylo basically growled through the phone, instantly her hangover felt a million miles away.

"What do you want?" She asked him, just as she had the night before.

"We both know the answer to that." His voice was low, hushed, as if this was a secret between them. She supposed it had to be, gauging by Han's reaction to them.   
There was a comfortable pause before he continued. "Send me your address, I'll pick you up tonight at 11." And then he was gone.

Rey did as she was told, typing in her address and sending it. Looking up, she caught Leia's eyes from across the room. Her stare was knowing, and a small smirk tugged at Leia's lips.

Rey groaned again as she slumped back over the bar, willing herself to nap.

 

* * *

 

 

Instead she had ridden to Luke's small property on the edge of town, surprised to find that Luke had a small herd of sheep and cattle.

"I didn't take you for a farming man." She said as he walked her to the shed behind his house.

Luke shrugged as the metal doors opened with a loud groan. Smiling as he flicked the dim light on. The room was dusty and cluttered, Rey had to plan each step carefully as she looked at all the junk. Spare parts, Christmas ornaments, tools, and other bits and bobs. In the middle of it all was a large tarp covering something.

Luke caught her eyeing the shape, and with a sigh he turned to her, reaching across to pull the fabric away.

Beneath was a huge black vintage Harley, she believed it could easily be worth a couple hundred thousand. She whistled, taking in the sight of the magnificent bike, still in pristine condition.

"My fathers bike." Luke said, a small smile on his face as he ran his hand over the body of it. "Ben has been trying to get his hands on it for years."

Rey laughed. "I can see why, It's beautiful."

Luke looked to her, eyes squinting slightly as he watched her examine the bike, her hair wild and caught in the cobwebs, eyes deep and so much older than herself, something nagged at him from the back of his mind, a prophecy, a destiny, fulfilment.

"Yeah. _It sure is_."

 

* * *

 

 

Luke had insisted she take the bike for a ride, and when she arrived back, she found him loading her old red bike into his shed.

"What are you doing?" She asked, nearly falling as she jumped from the beast of a bike.

"A trade." He replied, not turning to face her.

"Luke- I couldn't-" she fumbled, toying with the edge of her vest.

"You _can_ , and you _are_. I'm never gonna ride that thing anyway, it belongs with you."

And so she had left with the bike and a smile, the wind pulling roughly at the hair that peeked from beneath her helmet, the engine louder than any she had heard, roaring and powerful beneath her.

 

* * *

 

 

When Kylo arrived, she was standing against her new bike, picking at the grease beneath her nails.   
Even in the dark light he noticed, his brows furrowing and his shoulders tensing.

"That doesn't belong to you-" he began, his voice rough and dark, his fists clenched at his sides, when she cut him off, he expected an argument, a retort, an insult.

"Wanna ride it?" She smiled, and his body released, his eyes suddenly wide and childish, like a childhood dream come true right in front of him. When he looked at her like that, she could see the light inside him.

They screamed through the streets, her arms wrapped tightly around his waist, her head pressed gently against his back.

He didn't speak, and she didn't expect him too. Rather they existed in the moment, in the hum of the world around them, the vibration of the bike beneath them, their hearts beating the same frequency.

When dawn came, he drove her along the coastline, felt the ocean wind pushing them forward, drawing them further away until they were alone and the world was quiet and still, as if it was only them.

She knew she wouldn't last much longer, held him even tighter as she let a few tears drag down her cheeks, before they were ripped away from her skin by the howling winds.

Finally, he took her back to his small house, dirty and cramped, but it was home to him. She noticed paintings on the floor, all just vague shapes of unfinished projects, he said they were garbage, but when she looked to them, Rey knew.

She could tell Leia's eyes anywhere.

He kissed her hard, whispered dirty thoughts into her ear, swallowed her laughs and chuckles and moans.

In his arms once again, with the blinds drawn tightly shut against the afternoon sun, she felt her lights begin to fade once again.   
With a final soft kiss to his cheek, she let herself drift away, using her final breath to whisper to him a final time in this life.

"The bike is yours."

Ben wrapped his arms around her even tighter, so tight, she swore she could still feel them when she floated into the stars and away from this world.

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When I wrote the plan for this story I coined this chapter "Motorcycle Romeo and Juliet." And I fully could have written an entire fan fiction on this concept alone.   
> I think that's why I'm enjoying this au bc there's so many possibilities and chances to write little pieces of stories that could be so much more.   
> I hope y'all are enjoying it as much as I am!!


	9. This Is Your Beating Heart

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A dance they've done a million times

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> oh hell yeah baby  
> fuck yeah  
> helll yeaaaahhhhh babbbbyyyyy

"Rey!" Said the man in her dreams, a shadowy figure she couldn't quite make out, his voice sounded as if he was underwater. He repeated himself, his voice less of a gurgle, somehow clearer now. In her dreams she laughed, turned away from him. He called again, the sound piercing through her subconscious.

"Rey!" She woke with a gasp, Finn's hands on her shoulders, brows knotted in worry that quickly faded when she woke. Suddenly it was replaced with a grin, his white teeth blinding and his smile exhilarating. "We got it man!" He cheered, much too loud for her half-asleep brain.

She blinked twice, confused. "Good morning." She muttered quietly, voice croaky and eyes still crusted with sleep dust.

Finn rolled onto his side, the mattress beside her denting with his weight. His south-London accent was reminiscent of their of childhoods together, years of happy memories that for a brief moment overshadowed the sadness of her past and present, a welcome change. "Get up, we're gonna be late, everyone else is already waiting for us." He smirked, climbing from the bed and throwing a pair of jeans at her. They hit her in the chest with a dull thud, and she groaned as she crawled from the warm bed.

"What exactly did we _get_?" She asked with a confused glance in his direction as she pulled on the jeans.

Finn looked at her from over his shoulder with a sly smirk. "Only the most important gig of our entire fuckin lives." He stated matter of factly, his eyes grazing up and down her bare midriff.

"Eyes up here." She said, pointing two fingers in his direction, and then up to her face.

"Battle of the Bands, Rey! We **finally** got the slot." Finn smiled, turning back away from her.

 _Battle of the bands_ , she thought with a grimace, praying to god she was just a groupie.

 

* * *

 

 

The venue was fairly empty, aside from the spattering of bands here and there, but despite its lack of occupants it seemed almost filled to the brink with lights and sound and life.

The stage was large and fancier than she had expected, and in comparison to the flashy instruments and costumes, she felt dwarfed with their hand me down instruments and casual clothes.

"What about this one: _The Han Solo Experience_." Han gestured towards Finn, who shook his head with a frown.

"That's even worse then the rest bruv. You need something _fresh_ , you feel me?" Finn retorted, leaning back against the crate he was sitting on, taking a sip from his water bottle.

"You haven't liked a single idea I've come up with." Han crossed his arms over his chest, the guitar in his lap shifting slightly in position.

"I'm not letting our band be called Han and the Solos, you're absolutely mental." Finn scoffed, biting back a laugh.

Rey stood beside Poe, watching the two argue.

"So we still don't have a name and we are up in what, an _hour_?" Rey asked, nerves prickling her voice as she turned her head to look quizzically at Poe.

"It's not my fault, I was fine with Rebel Scum." Poe responded, pointing towards Finn, who smiled and extended his hand to Poe for a high five.

Han held his face in his hands, groaning loudly.

The sound of the doors beside them opening earned a glance from Rey, who gave the scruffy looking man entering no second thought until Poe stiffened beside her.

"Holy shit." Poe exclaimed, grabbing onto her arm tightly. "That's _Luke **fucking** Skywalker_."

Finn and Han looked at each other, Finn pointing towards Han with a small smirk.

"Luke Fucking Skywalker" Finn repeated, almost as if it was a question.

"Now _that's_ a band name!" Rose added in from behind the drum set.

Han stood, shaking Luke's hand with a smile and gruff greeting.

Beside her, Poe was near shaking with excitement. "He's _the_ best guitarist in the world." He whispered into her ear, voice higher than usual. "I can't believe he's _actually_ here!" He grabbed her arm again, smiling with a mouth full of stars.

Rey couldn't help but notice that when Poe Dameron smiled he turned the lights in every room he entered, cours fill the space with some infectious sort of joy.

"Hi! Big fan!" He finally released Rey's arm to extend a hand to Luke, barely trying to conceal his nerves and excitement.  
Luke shook his hand and Rey could swear she heard Poe squeak under his breath.

"Woah, Millennium Falcon Reunion Tour, ay bruv?" Finn smiled, picking at the strings of his bass.

Back in the day, Luke and Han had been in a band called Millennium Falcon, and they were pretty damn popular. Han made sure they knew that. They had turned out 4 consecutive #1 singles, were headed straight to the top of the A-list. That was until the very public band breakup when Luke abruptly left at the height of their fame.

Han's ensuing debacles with paparazzi and prominent public meltdowns gave the band a very specific reputation, and they were eventually dropped from their label. 

Han had gone into retirement, and it wasn't until he had met Finn and Rey, who had apparently been busking in the city after their visas expired, that he had rediscovered his passion for music and even started writing again.

They made do with hand me downs and the limited space they could find. They didn't have a lot of money or rescources, but their sound was unique and special and _real_.

Rey had listened in disbelief to her own voice on the local radio as Finn had driven them here. They really had something going, and now they had finally gained enough of a reputation to be given a slot in the prestigious battle of the bands. According to Finn the winner each year _always_ blows up and gets signed, and that's what they had worked so hard for.

After a pause, Rey finally interjected with a laugh, "Millennium Falcon Reunion Tour- Now _that's_ a band name!"

 

* * *

 

 

After every band had sound checked, the workers had huddled the bands all together in a lump in the middle of the floor, and rolled something large out onto the stage, the contents concealed in a velvety fabric.

"Welcome to the annual Battle of the Bands, I hope you are all ready and prepared with your song choices!" The tacky host smiled widely, and a collective groan filtered from the grouping of musicians  

Rey rolled her eyes, turning her head to scan through the crowd of people. A tall figure made her do a double take, as her eyes fell on Ben Solo, dressed in all black, his long hair curly and unkempt, a relaxed smile on his face as he chatted absently through the mans speech.

"Well let's throw all of that right out of the window!" The host smiled as a confused hush fell over the crowd.

Rey snapped her head back to the man, her brows scrunched together.

The man ripped the cloth from the object, revealing a large spinning wheel, words written on every slot, like some cheesy game show.

"At the beginning of each round, each band will spin the wheel, like so-" the man spun the wheel, the clicking filling the entire room. "-and it will land on a type of song."

The wheel came to a slow, Rey squinting her eyes to try and see the writing.

"Make them dance!" The man announced with a faux cheer. Slow applause filtered quietly from the crowd. "Well let's ease into it, we can all start with that! Every band will have exactly 30 minutes to prepare a song that will get the crowd moving! After each round, our judges will vote out 1- or more- bands!" The host smiled, seemingly preparing himself for rupturous applause that never came.

The silence was long and awkward until someome in the crowd took the liberty of calling out "Fuck off already so we can figure it out!"

The host took that as his cue to direct the bands backstage and make his exit before the show began, the tension now palpable in the crowded backstage area.

The air was so thick with anticipation and nerves, Rey felt that she could reach out and feel it in the air around her, like a virus waiting to crawl beneath her skin.

 

* * *

 

 

Backstage the bands huddled quietly, all sideways glances filled with suspicion to ensure that nobody would steal their ideas.

"What the fuck do we do man?" Poe muttered. "We're running out of time." He added, pulling at his hair as he paced back and forth  

Han offered a shrug, Rose slammed her head into the drum kit, and Rey sent a nervous glance in Poe's direction.

"I got it, I fucking got it bruv!" Finn clapped, a large smile on his face as he huddled the group closer with his long arms, whispering quietly as the rest of band nodded, a blue light from the stage filtering over them from behind the curtain, like the spark of an idea washing over.

 

* * *

 

 

"First Order?" A short, hairy man with a clipboard called.

At the sound Rey glanced upwards, following the mans gaze to the pair of long fingers lazily held in the air, she followed the pale skin of the arm to find Ben lounged casually, a far cry from the rest of the nervous bands huddled around them.

"You guys are up next." The man said, pointing behind him, his headset pulled off of one ear.

Rey continued to watch them as they stood, Ben's eyes drifting lazily across the room, trailing his gaze over her with a smirk. She didn't look away, only offered him a once over, taking in his large blousy black shirt, half tucked into his black jeans and nearly unbuttoned.  
She raised her brows, trying to act as cool and unfazed as humanly possible despite her nerves.

He replied to her with a small smile as he followed the hairy dude, guitar in his hand.

"Scoping out the competition, or trying to find your next _victim_?" Poe joked, shouldering her playfully.

Rey reached over and slapped him on the arm, giving him a dirty look to which he only laughed at, leaving Rey blushing as she turned back to the lyrics she was meant to be memorising.

"Hey kid, how bout I show you a few tricks?" Luke offered, and Poe stiffened, his eyes wide. He couldn't speak, only nodded.

Rey offered her seat to Luke, standing to find Finn at the edge of the stage, as he peeked out at the band finishing their set.

"They did shit man, we're _way_ better." Finn whispered as she peeked out onto the stage from beside him.

"Bloody hell that's a lot of people." She took a heavy breath as she looked away from the now packed venue, looking to Finn with wide, nervous eyes.

The band filed offstage, half hearted applause coming from the audience.

"I'd shit if that happened to me." Rey shook her head, pointing anxiously toward the lacklustre clapping.

"It _won't_ , because we're fucking cool, and we can _actually_ sing." Finn offered, holding her shoulder with a firm hand.

Rey looked back to the stage where First Order had taken their places, she could make out the forms of Phasma and Hux and some other dude, but her eyes were focused on Ben as he brought his instruments to life, the bass of their music thumping heavy through the floor.

"Oh _shit_." Finn half gasped, turning back to watch the stage as the first line of the song floated through the room  

" _ **Walking out into the dark, cutting out a different path, led by a beating heart.**_ "

Ben's voice was deeper than she had ever remembered, growling and soft all at once, eyes steady and intense as he seemed to zero in on the emotion of the song.

Rey and Finn froze in place, suddenly even more nervous than they had been.

" ** _The night was all you had, you ran into the night from all you had, found yourself a path upon the ground, you ran into the night, you can't be found._** "

The feeling of something dark and ancient pulled at the back of Rey's mind. That ever strange sadness, something she still couldn't explain, something foreign and familiar all at once. It was something she saw in his eyes, in the back of her mind, in the people around her. Sneaking and cold and always lurking.

" _ **But, this is your heart, can you feel it?**_ "

The chorus soared, making Rey's heart beat hard in her chest, the bass thumping perfectly at the same time, as if it was made for her heartbeat and nothing else.

With a racing pulse, she grabbed Finn's arm, pulling him back to where their band was huddled, fingers wringing nervously as she paced back and forth, warming her voice slowly and quietly.

Finn watched her with his hands shoved into the pocket of his jeans. " _Rey_ -" he finally stepped forward, taking her hands to stop their wringing, "-we will be great."

 

* * *

 

 

"The Rebellion?" The hairy guy called, scanning the crowd of waiting bands.

"Is that us?" Rey asked to nobody in particular, "That's _actually_ decent."

Poe nodded, lifting his hand in the air as the group stood.

"I still think mine was better." Han grumbled as he walked past Rey, guitar firmly held in his hand.

Finn gently took her by the hand, pulling her towards the stage with a smile.

In her ears Rey's heart rang so loudly, whole body begging to shake and bend and break under this pressure.

As they waited for the final beats of the the band before them to finish, Rey looked over her shoulder into the backstage area again, catching Ben's glance in its tracks. He smiled lowly, reclining without breaking their eye contact.

Then he fucking _winked_.

Finn had to shake her arm to pull her back to reality, and she spun quickly to follow her band mates on stage. Looking out into the crowd made her feel dizzy, like seasickness but worse. Luckily, Finn was taking lead, so she just had to worry about hitting her timing correctly for her few lines, and letting him lead her through it. She was grateful for his understanding, in this life and every one already gone by.

Luke had even let Poe borrow his electric guitar for the song, and as he played the opening riff, the space was filled with its sound, crisp and clear and invigorating. Rey could feel it run through her veins, waking her up, clearing away her anxieties, making the crowd disappear with its noise.

" _ **Oh don't you dare look back, just keep your eyes on me, I said you're holding back, she said-**_ "

Finn started, fingers plucking quickly at his bass, his head turned slightly, eyes glancing at her from the corner of his vision, a smile creeping on his features.

" _ **Shut up and dance with me**_ "

Rey added, her voice soft and high and gentle to meet the roughness of Finn's own voice, their harmony like a choreographed dance they had done a million times.

" _ **This woman is my destiny**_ "

Finn looked to her again, his words hitting too close to that aching sadness inside her. Rey turned away, staring out into the endless lights where she supposed the crowds were, focused on the way the music felt inside her.

" _ **Shut up and dance with me**_ " 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> BATTLE OF THE BANDS  
> Yes bitch I was so excited for this chapter even tho i had writers block for like 2 days. 
> 
> Please note I know very little about bands or music because I am tone deaf and cannot dance.
> 
> Songs from this chap:  
> Bastille- Laura Palmer  
> Walk the Moon- Shut up and Dance
> 
> (Rey- Lead vocalist  
> Finn- Vocals/Bass  
> Han- Lead guitar  
> Poe- Rythm guitar  
> Rose- Drums  
> Luke- Big fan)


	10. Let's Go, You Know The Drill

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Secrets and dead girls emerge as the battle continues.

When they had called the names of the three bands that been eliminated after the first round, Rey had held her breath and prayed for the first time in her rotten lifetime. To her it felt almost surreal, she learned that although they hadn't scored the highest, they hadn't even been considered for elimination, as though she was dreaming and any moment she could wake from this.

After the elimination, each band was individually called back onto stage to spin the wheel for the last round of the day. Most bands had already taken their turns, the crowd responding with cheers or gasps, not that Rey could really pay much attention to any of that.

_Not while Ben Solo had some groupie hanging off of his arm only a few feet to Rey's left._

Rey had never been the jealous type, that had always been more of Ben's thing. She had never really felt the need, seeing as nothing in her lives were ever permanent enough to warrant such a feeling. Jealousy didn't come as natural as learning to keep yourself and your emotions at a distance. If she kept her heart low to the ground, when she fell, it wouldn't break or shatter, but bounce, turn to stone and back a thousand times before it ever ached of jealousy.

But still she couldn't ignore the spark in her belly at the sight, the way her eyes narrowed and head clouded. The unusual anger and pettiness and bile that rose in her throat as she turned away just in time for The Rebellion to be called on stage for their turn to spin the gimmicky wheel.

The host tried to joke as the band joined him on the stage, but Rey had no time for joking, wanted only to get this whole thing over with so she could get as far away from Ben Solo and his groupies as possible. Rey stepped straight past the host, ignoring his greeting and attempt at conversation, grabbing the wheel and tugging hard before she stepped back to stand beside Rose, arms crossed tightly over her chest, steeling herself.

  
The clicking came to a stop, and Rey peered at the board, lips tugging anxiously on her bottom lip.

  
_** MUSICALS ** _

 

Without another word, the members of The Rebellion silently shuffled backstage, waiting until they were hidden once more before they resumed the quiet chatter amongst themselves. When they finally emerged backstage, Finn turned back to the group.   
"If we don't do Hamilton, mans gonna be _pissed_!" Finn pointed to the group with a smirk, shoulders shimmying as he sang lyrics beneath his breath, rubbing up against Rey who laughed at his excitement, the nerves of the first round washing away from the group in waves.

"We need Rey to do a ballad, something that shows off our skills-" Rose interjected, sticking her tongue out at Finn, "-something classic with big notes! Like Defying Gravity or some Phantom of the Opera shit." She added with a nod, twirling her drumsticks between her fingers.

Han rolled his eyes, sitting against a crate, taking a swig of the flask he pulled from inside of his jacket and passing it off to Poe. "Well don't look at me the only musical I've ever seen is Grease." He grumbled, tugging on his leather jacket with a small smirk.

Poe took a swig and passed it to Rose who accepted with a smile. "We need something with a performance aspect to it, y'know? That's where the _big_ scores come from." Poe crossed his arms casually, tilting his head as if he was thinking very deeply about something.

"Poe is right, any band here can sing and play instruments good, but how many of them can actually perform?" Luke nodded, earning a gracious gasp from Poe, who lit up at his idol's agreement. "It's all about being _memorable_." Luke finished as the flask was passed from Finn to his hands.   
He took a long drink before extending it towards Rey. "What do you think, Rey?" He asked her.

For a moment she didn't move or speak, lost in her thoughts. After a beat she took the flask from Luke's hand, taking her own drink before handing it back to Han with a smile.

"I know the perfect song."

 

* * *

 

 

Ben smacked the water bottle from the crate with a growl, sending the half empty plastic flying to the floor before he crumpled it beneath his heel, the contents spilling onto the floor.

" _Relax_." Hux barked, arms crossed tightly over his chest. "You should be happy, you were a MySpace kid weren't you, shouldn't this be _easy_ for you?" Hux smirked, glancing to Phasma from the side of his eyes as she held back a laugh.

"2000s hits? We couldn't have landed on anything fucking tackier if we had tried." Ben growled, slumping onto the crate where the water bottle had sat.

"Sure it's not what we may have wanted, but we can work with it." Phasma leant forward, bracing her arms on her knees.

"Just because you two don't give a fuck doesn't mean _I_  want to look like a joke out there." Ben groaned, running frustrated hands through his unruly hair, staring straight at the ground.

From the other side of the room he heard a laugh, lifting his eyes briefly to catch a glimpse of the girl with the hazel eyes and hot voice who had given him barely a second glance. Her mousy hair was tied loosely at the back of her head, and for a second he wondered what it would feel like pull on it, _hard_.

Hux's firm grip on his shoulder was ice cold, his fingers rough against his skin. "Now is not the time-" Hux began, his voice low and gravelly, a warning slithering from behind his grinding teeth, "-for _distractions_." He spat the word, tugging on Ben's arm to turn his attention back towards the group, eyes steeled on the taller man.

Ben grimaced, pulling his arm away from Hux's grip with a growl and grabbing the smaller man by the wrist. Lifting Hux's wrist to his eye line, Ben tightened his fingers, earning a yelp from the man.

"How about you _never_ try tell me what to do _ever_ again."

 

* * *

 

 

Rey had been lost in her own head, only lifting her eyes when an exceptionally loud band had taken the stage. She furrowed her brows, looking to Finn. "Who's on?" She asked, unable to make out the song as the heavy curtains and noisy patrons backstage muffled the sound of the music.

Finn pointed towards the stage with a shrug. "First Order." His eyes narrowing as Rey shot up, walking quickly towards the wings so she could peer around at their performance.

For a band who had spent the majority of their practice hour arguing and throwing things at each other, First Order's sound was somehow cohesive. Every song they performed was dark and dramatic, and always appeared to be a huge production.

Ben Solo didn't dance or perform per se, but you couldn't help but be utterly captivated by his presence, his booming voice and his dark, lonely eyes. He was a force to be reckoned with in this competition, and he very well knew that.

Their 2000s song choice was familiar to Rey, but she couldn't quite place her finger on what exactly it was. And as if he knew she was standing there, confused and alone and vulnerable, Ben Solo turned his head and met her eyes with his piercing gaze. His lips tugged upwards at the corners into the smallest of smirks as he sang the line of the chorus that sent familiarity and chills down her spine simultaneously.

" _ **I'll keep you my dirty little secret.**_ "

 

* * *

 

 

Rey had briefly shown Finn a video of a performance of their song, watching as his eyes widened and narrowed in confusion and shock.

"I mean- it's great bruv..." Finn started, looking to her with a nervous gaze.

"But?" Rey asked, a single brow raising.

"Can _you_ do that? Like all that sexy shit?" Finn asked tentatively, his hand resting on her thigh.

Rey scoffed and opened her mouth to retort, but Finn stopped her.

"I'm not being rude, that's just never been your thing." He clarified and Rey felt her shoulders soften and her defences fall away.

At the same moment she nodded, the man with the clipboard re-appeared, calling their name once again. Finn gripped her thigh once reassuringly, then stood and followed the man to the opposite end of the stage.

Rey waited a moment as her band disappeared, drawing a deep, nervous breath before she stood, making her way to the opposite side of the stage and preparing herself the best she could before the music began and she stepped out into the dim lights.

She felt the opening chords reverberate through her bones.

" _ **The demon queen of high school has decreed it, she says Monday 8am I will be deleted. They'll hunt me down in study hall, stuff and mount me on the wall. 30 hours to live, how shall I spend them?**_ "

Rey focused on her vocals, trying harder than she ever had to keep her notes in key. Some knowing part of her brain kicked in, keeping her steady as her confidence grew with every passing second.

She stepped further into the stage, a spotlight trained on her as she looked out into the sea of lights.

" ** _I don't have to stay and die like cattle. I could change my name and ride up to Seattle. But I don't own a motorbike-_** "

Her head snapped to where Finn stood just a few feet away, smirk growing on her face.

" _ **Wait- here's an option that I like, spend those 30 hours getting freaky,**_ "

She held the note as long as she could, earning cheers from the crowd. Continuing the first verse she walked slowly towards Finn, who had abandoned his instrument in favour of the performance, his eyes were low and dark to meet her.

" _Rey- what are you doing in my room?_ " He asked, earning a laugh from the crowd as she shushed him dramatically.

" _ **Sorry but I really had to wake you, see I decided I must ride you till I break you. Cause Heather's said I gots-to to, you're my last meal on death row, shut your mouth and lose those tightey-whiteys.**_ "

The crowd erupted, and Rey felt her confidence soar as she continued the chorus to thunderous reactions to the crowd.

" _ **Get on all fours-**_ " she shoved Finn by the shoulders to the floor, he looked up at her from his knees, a smile on his face as Rey fought desperately with herself to stay in character and not run from the stage.

For a moment her eyes glanced up to the wing of the stage, and sure enough, there he was, watching her with those endless eyes. She thought his presence may make her more nervous, but instead it did the opposite as she dropped to her knees in front of Finn.

" _ **And you know it's cause you're beautiful-**_ " she kicked up the key, openly showing off her impressive range as she tugged on Finn's chest, " _ **so the worlds unfair? Leave it locked out there-**_ " she pulled her loose t-shirt over her head, earning cheers from the crowd as she hit another huge note. " ** _Let's make this beautiful-_** "

" _That works for me!_ " Finn chimed in, and laughing filtered from the crowd, which quickly turned to cheering as Rey pulled Finn in close and kissed him, staring over his shoulder at Ben, who watched with a set jaw.

Seeing him so jealous made Rey weak in the knees, and she had to muster the courage to continue with the performance.

Climbing onto Finn's lap as he lay on the filthy stage with a smirk.

The crowd laughed at Finn's comedic interjections to her singing, and Rey smiled as she prepared for the huge ending, unsure if she would be able to sustain the long, powerful notes.

" _ **Slap me-**_ " she faux slapped Finn.

" _ **Pull my hair-**_ " Finn wrapped his fingers in her now loose and knotted hair and pulled it free from its ties.

Rey swore she could her Ben Solo scream.

" _ **Touch me there- and there- and there-**_ "

" _ **No more talking-**_ " Finn matched her notes with his own impressive voice

The final note of the performance included Rey pretending to ride her bandmate as the crowd screamed for them, Finn holding the final note just as long as she did. Rey couldn't help but feel pride swell in her chest, thoroughly impressed with their performance.

Ben Solo, however, was less than impressed.

 

* * *

 

 

Every ounce of courage that Rey had mustered from the crowds venue rattling applause dissipated the moment she stepped backstage. Suddenly there were a thousand eyes pinning her to the wall, she had all but forgotten her now discarded shirt. She stood, cold all of a sudden, clad only in her small black bra.

Finn's shoulders immediately tightened as he stepped in front of her protectively, eyes suddenly filled with stone and fire.

"What's the fucking problem?" His voice boomed, echoing through the now silent area. Eyes snapped away from Rey, and the absent chattering resumed quicker than she had thought possible.

There was a sudden weight on her shoulders, and turning her head she found Han covering her with his old jacket, the leather worn and soft to the touch.

"Thank you." She mouthed at him, taking Finn's arm as she allowed him to lead her back to their unofficial headquarters in the corner of the room.

"Did you hear how _loud_ they cheered for us?" Poe smiled, throwing his arm around Rose's shoulders, who pushed him away with a groan. Undeterred by her, Poe's smile never faltered as he slid into his seat on some sort of large black box.

"Sex sells." Luke added between bites of greasy food, at his feet a plastic bag filled with steaming takeout containers. He had snuck a delivery guy through the fire exit just for some food, and Rey had never been more grateful as she dug into the first thing she could get her hands on.

Soon there would only be 10 bands, then 6, and by Friday night, the top 3 bands would battle it out to see who reigns supreme.

The betting had started early, even the bands themselves had been pooling money, taking notes on who they thought would be cut next, or who would win the whole thing. Han suggested placing a large bet and then failing on purpose, Rose had agreed eagerly, suggesting they just rig the whole shabang.

The tension within the area backstage was palpable, but in the far corner, near the refreshments, The Rebellion existed in their own bubble, basically impenetrable to the nervousness and agitation that seemed to plague everyone else.

Ben watched with livid eyes, arms crossed tightly over his chest.

How dare they act like this is some game, as if people hadn't worked for years to even have the slightest chance to make it up here, _people like him_.

He had been raised a prodigy by washed up parents, his mother had been a classically trained singer who had abandoned her talents when she had met his father, a rockstar in every right. They had money and power and talent, everything people worked their lives for, and yet Ben wanted none of it. At the age of 5 he could play 3 instruments, by 13 he could sing in 6 languages, and when he turned 16 he had been offered a record deal.

_Sell your soul for the price of a new house for dear old Mom and Dad._

He had tired quickly of being a puppet in the pop music machine, the dollars in his eyes had faded all too quickly, and by the time he was 17 he had dropped his deal and vowed to never make music again. His parents swore that they respected his choice, but he knew that they detested him for it. He could have been their cash cow, their ticket back to the A-List, but he refused to let himself be used.

_At least that's what 17 year old Ben Solo had believed._

When something is in your blood, it is impossible to avoid. For years Ben tried to live a life of silence, but music seemed to follow him wherever he went, trail behind him like some sick stalker, a twisted game of cat and mouse stuck in some endless loop.

And so, at 25, he finally let the music back in, and he hadn't stopped since.

So to see them laugh and smile as if they had not a care in the world was like salt in Ben's old wounds, and with a set jaw he steeled, his eyes falling on the laughing figure of Han Solo, a man he hadn't seen in years, a figure he barely knew. With the silence ringing in his ears, Ben made a promise to himself.

_He wouldn't let his father fuck this one up for him._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is basically just an excuse for me to segue into a Heathers au????? Which isn't planned but I'm now totally considering???? It's also basically softcore porn???
> 
> Sorry it took so long, writers block ya know what I mean.   
> Sorry this chapter is shit too, that's also the writers blocks fault.


	11. The Final Curtain

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two souls sing the same song

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Mamas been sitting on this one for a while

The moment the rebellion is announced as safe is filled with smug glances from Luke, and loud profane cheers. Rose threw her water to the ground with a yell, eyes lit with some sort of fire. 

Rey felt too cold in this universe of fire and intensity, of burning passions and burning eyes, of matchsticks ready to strike.

From across the room Ben scoffed, a sound like rough sandpaper against a brick, loud and rough and hard. He turned away from the sound of the crowd and packed his sleek black guitar back into its case. Sure, his band was safe, but they had scored lower than the girl and the band of misfits. That damn girl. She wasnt even that good, Ben chewed the thought in his mouth, she obviously had no form of classical training, or any training at all, she could barely sustain those notes.

If she kept singing like that she was going to damage her pretty voice. And for some reason, Ben thought that would be a damn shame.

So with a brand of impulsiveness he hade trademarked, he crossed the room before he could talk himself out of it, hands tucked tightly into his pockets as his hair fell into his eyes. He brushed it back with one quick movement as he came to a stop in front of the girl.

"I like the way you sing." He said, wishing the words had never left his lips. His tone was far too confident for such a casual and idiotic introduction. For a moment he screamed internally, waiting for the girl to turn and laugh in his face.

Rey's head whipped around at the voice, eyes locking with Ben as he stood above her, perfectly collected and cool. She wondered how he maintained such a composure around her, when she could barely contain her heart from leaping out of her mouth.

How did he always remain ice in this stifling heat? She melted every time.

"Thanks, you too! I mean- I like the way you sing also." She trailed off, looking to the side as she attempted to regain some sense of control over her words.

"You need to open your throat more." He added, hands hidden in his pockets as he picked nervously at his nails.

Rey squinted, suddenly off put by the remark, defences rising as she placed a hand on her hip.

" _Excuse me_?" She dared, hiding it behind her white teeth and arched eyebrows. A snaking hiss creeping through her clenched jaw, pulsing hot in her veins.

Ben shuffled in his place, eyes as steady as they had always been. "You close your throat when you're holding longer notes, that's gonna damage your vocal chords." He stated, matter of factly, tugging on his bottom lip with his teeth.

Rey felt herself soften, hand falling from its place on her hip as the rattlesnakes receded back to wherever it was they seemed to emerge from inside her.

"Oh... Thank you-" she started, suddenly unsure of how to finish the sentence she had started, instead letting it hang in the air between them.

Ben clenched his fist in his pocket, releasing the grip and repeating it, an old method his mother had taught him of keeping his anger in check. For once he wasn't using this method because he was angry, he used it instead to try and calm the way his hands shook through to the bone, the nerves that rattled his chest.

"Can I buy you dinner?" He asked, gaze never faltering from the girls pretty hazel eyes.

Rey laughed softly, it was all she knew how to do in this moment. "You don't even know my name." She smiled up at him, watching as some of that ice began to melt from his face, his smile was small and warm and everything she missed in those moments between lives.

"What's your name then?" He asked softly, voice no more than a whisper, but still it only endeared her to him even more.

"Rey." She answered, matching his tone.

" _Rey_." He tested the word out in his mouth for a moment, swishing it around before he spoke it. "I'm Ben" he continued, because she wasn't meant to know that.

Rey held out a hand, and he took it, enveloping her slim digits in his large ones.

"Now can I buy you dinner?"

 

* * *

 

 

"No it's like this, watch me-" he muttered through a mouthful of food, swallowing hastily before continuing. " ** _Laaa_**." He sang, pointing to his throat with a single finger before shovelling another spoonful of pasta into his mouth, sauce making its residence in the patchy stubble on his mouth and chin.

Rey snorted, clamping a hand to her mouth to stifle the laugh and keep her food inside. She swallowed with a gulp and tried again, mimicking the way he let his throat relax and clench.

He rose from his chair, a strand of spaghetti still hanging from his lips as he announced "she's done it!" to the small, crowded restaurant.

The patrons rolled their eyes, doing their best to ignore the duo as they loudly joked and laughed.

A waiter approached nervously, his hands fiddling with discarded menus and his steps hesitant as he shuffled on his feet in front of them.   
"Excuse me, but you two have to leave, we've had _several_ complaints-"

Ben stood from his chair, frowning at the man as he lifted the plate of pasta from the table and placed it neatly on the floor. Rey watched as he lined his silverware up in a perfect line on the carpet, eyes fixed in concentration.

The waiter opened his mouth as if to speak, but only let out small puffs of air, the words he needed to find seemingly lost inside his head.

When he was finished, Ben stood and smiled, looking to Rey, who for a second was quiet.

And then her laughter boomed through the crowded room like the first summer day, hot and warm and filled with light so blinding it hurts.   
And like that they were gone, racing from the double doors of the restaurant and into the flood of streetlights, feet pounding hard against the pavement as they ran into the night air.

When they stalled beneath a street light, chests heaving and tears streaming from laughter, Rey looked to him, his hair so dark in the dim light, an obsidian halo so otherworldly it stole what was left of her breath. He runs his pale fingers through it, tangles them like flecks of stars in the nighttime of him.

"Why?" She asks, breathless and light, breath clouding in front of her in the frigid air.

He kicks a rock, Rey notes the movement is almost boyish, and she wonders how he seems so young and so old all at once. In him she sees a reflection of some part of herself, something beyond her gift, beyond anything she's ever known, it's something ringing deep in her gut, quiet and sure. A knowing, a connection.

"Did you pay for your food?" He asks, not meeting her gaze.

Rey quiets, and the beginnings of an answer begin to grow in her throat, but before it can bloom he continues, lifting his eyes with the smallest of smirks.

"Because I sure didn't pay for mine."

It takes a moment before she understands, that he had created a distraction so outrageous that they had been able to walk out the front doors without so much as a second glance. Then she is laughing again, doubled over as she wipes tears from her eyes.

For a brief moment, there is only them in the world.

 

* * *

 

 

The days pass so quickly that Rey finds herself at Saturday before she really knows what had happened.

The Rebellion were in the top 3, as was The First Order, the finale tonight would decide their fates.

Rey wants to win more than anything, she was competitive at heart and wanted the best for her friends in this life, even when she was long gone. But some small part of her still nagged, the tiny part of her that spent this week with this Ben Solo.

The Ben Solo who had screamed in her face, who held her wrists and snarled when she punched him hard in the chest. The Ben Solo who sobbed into her lap, who screamed in his sleep and held her hand like it was the last thing holding him to this earth. The Ben Solo who looked at her with fire and glowing gold.

Let him win. It said to her. _Give him this chance._

 

* * *

 

 

They spun the wheel and took the stage. And for the very last time Rey stared into the sea of lights and adoration and felt all eyes stare back. Her breath was ragged and the spotlight felt like a cage. She looked to the wings, because she knew he was there.   
He stared back with those unchanging eyes, the ones that echoed in her dreams.   
Suddenly she is reminded of his hair beneath the street lamp, and she can all but feel the brisk air from that night on her legs. She felt if she could close her eyes, she could live in this moment forever.

" ** _Weep for yourself, my man, You'll never be what is in your heart-  
Weep, little lion man, You're not as brave as you were at the start._**"

Her voice was low and whispery, it hung in the air like a ghost, enchanting and dark and strange.

" ** _Rate yourself and rake yourself, Take all the courage you have left.  
And waste it on fixing all the problems that you made in your own head._**"

She doesn't miss the sad glimmer in his eye from across the stage.   

" _ **But it was not your fault but mine-**_ "

Rey feels her voice break as she forces herself to watch his eyes, confused and watery and older than time. He doesn't understand her emotions, why it haunts her so endlessly to sing these words to him, of course he doesn't, nobody would ever understand.

" ** _And it was your heart on the line-_** "

Finn looks to her from the left, his brows furrowed as he watches a single tear stream down her soft, round cheek, the spotlight surronding her lighting her in such a way that she seems near ethereal.

" ** _I really fucked it up this time- Didn't I, my dear?_** "

She was a spectre, a sight to behold. Some glimmering illusion of light and raw emotion. The audience wept with her as she sang, the judges stood and joined her voice.

As the song closed, the audience sang with her, arms lifted in some strange prayer of sorts.

Rey closed her eyes, drawing an unsteady breath as she let the crowds unified voice wash through her like salt water, and pool water, and shots of whiskey, and flasks and golden eyes staring brightly, gentle fingers holding strong. Like memories of a thousands lives pooling inside her all at once, carried on the sound of their voices.

" __ **But it was not your fault but mine,  
And it was your heart on the line  
I really fucked it up this time**"

The audience silenced as the band cut, Rey's voice so sharp and electric in the suddenly quiet room.

" ** _Didn't I, my dear?  
Didn't I, my dear?_**"

 

* * *

 

 

Two days ago, Ben would have screamed and kicked and cursed if the wheel had landed on the genre country. But today that anger was nowhere to be found inside him.

Instead he held his wooden childhood guitar between his long fingers, comically small for the large man. Leia had sobbed when he called, and Han had opened his arms and held him for far too long when he finally spoke a word to him. The air between him and his parents was stiff, but the small guitar was a peace offering between nations at war, a plea to lay down the weapons.

15 year old Ben had painstakingly painted a beautiful summer night onto the front, large green trees and warm blue air broken by white wisps of stars. He used to sit beneath the Oak tree at Hans old cabin and write songs. The world was quieter then, smaller.

When he sat on the stool in centre stage, for the first time in years the world felt as it had so long ago, small and peaceful and kind.

" _ **Almost heaven, West Virginia, Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River.**_ "

His voice was lighter than it had ever been, but no less booming or captivating. His hair was wild and free around him, his rockstar mystique fading quickly as he allowed himself to open a small part of himself that had been locked for so long.

He looked to the wings and caught Rey's eyes, she held him there, tied him into the grass and demanded he remember the earth around him, the way life flowed and endured, the way she had, the way he would.

" _ **Life is old there, older than the trees, younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze.**_ "

He let a smile pass his lips, let his mask fall from his face.

" _ **Country roads, take me home to the place I belong.**_ "

Oaks trees in summer, warm winds and gentle streams. Endless fields and bright flowers. Tan skin and her hazel eyes, her hands reaching out to him, her voice like the call of the birds. _**Home**_.

" _ **I hear her voice in the morning hour, she calls me, the radio reminds me of my home far away.  
And driving down the road I get a feeling that I should have been home yesterday, yesterday.**_"

The crowd sings softly with him, he sees lighters in the air like warm distant stars calling his name, a place in the universe in which he belongs.

" _ **Take me home now, country roads**_."

 

* * *

 

 

Ben Solo cries when First Order wins Battle of the Bands.

It was a beautiful sort of crying that Rey supposed only he could pull off.

They lose, but Han still drinks and Finn still laughs and Rose still smashes glasses and smiles widely, and Poe still slaps a hand against Luke's shoulder, and Luke still watches with pride, and Rey still feels happy.   
And when a man in a suit speaks in hushed tones to Han, Rey feels as though they lost nothing at all.

Ben watches her with nervous eyes, and this time it is her crossing the crowded backstage to him. It is Rey who throws her arms around his neck and pulls him down until they're colliding like lost planets, drawn to each other over and over again. Bound to crash and burn, but damn if it doesn't feel good.

She spends the night in his fluffy blue sheets, laying beside him and forming constellations from his freckles.

When Sunday comes she leaves him early, spends the day alone with her thoughts under an old oak tree on the outskirts of town.

As night falls and the winds cool, she pulls a blanket over her legs and looks up, she watches the dark spouts moving slowly across the sky, like a lazy crawl.

The moment sleep takes her is slow and drawn out, she lets herself sink into the soft dirt and plant her roots in the moment of time. For once time moves slowly for her, and as her eyes close and her body numbs, she feels herself be pulled away.

With her last moment in the world she draw a breath and opens her eyes for a final glance at the sky, the constellations matching the ones she'd drawn in him with her gaze.

_Things here can change so quickly._

 

* * *

 

She wakes in a plain white room, on a plain white mattress, with plain white sheets, to a plain white alarm.

With a stumble she crawls from her bed, hastily pulling on clothes as she lifts her phone. There is a single message on her screen.

**Jasmine (Day Manager): _Rey, need u to work a double shift at the new location. Be there at 9:30. I'll send the address._**

Rey glanced at the clock.

 **9:45**.

 

* * *

 

 

She waits all day for Ben, but he doesn't appear. She waits for Finn, or Han, or Rose. She waits for anybody.

But there is nobody.

For the first time in her life, she is surrounded by a sea strangers, and suddenly Rey feels as if she is drowning.

 

* * *

 

 

She sobs into the sheets and hyperventilates into a bag. She screams into her pillow as she searches high and low for her friends, her family. She never finds them.

When the week is over, Rey is tired and lonely, heart aching and head pounding.

Sleep doesn't come easily, she tosses and turns and begs the universe to stop playing this cruel trick on her.

The universe finally relents and Rey stumbles from that life with wild eyes and messy hair. She had never been alone, not through the nights on the street or the monsters that had hunted her.

Rey wasn't scared of ghouls or demons or men with dark eyes, she had fought them a million times. But even when she was young, she had always been afraid of being alone. 

Now she was no longer a girl, but she was just as terrified  

 

* * *

 

 

"Rey?" A familiar voice calls to her, and she opens her eyes quicker than ever before.

Finn smiles from above her, clipboard tucked beneath his elbow, his white coat crisp and clean.

The image is strange and jarring and it takes Rey a moment to adjust.

"Great, you're awake! Just in time for your meds."

With a frown, Rey scrunched her nose, turning her head away to scan her surroundings. The fresh, sterile room around her. The smell of antiseptic and bleach, Finn's coat and warm smile.

"Where am I?" She asks, already knowing the answer.

"Jakku State Hospital, you've been here for a few weeks now." Finn replies warily, brows lowered in concern. "Are you having trouble remembering things, Rey?" He asks in the most professional tone she had ever heard from the man.

"No." She answered, leaning back against the pillow. Her voice was strangely calm, she felt strangely calm.

"Just woke up a little lost. _I'm home now._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I stretched out the battle of the bands bc I didn't know how to end it so I hope I made up for it by fitting 2 worlds into 1 chapter. 
> 
> Things are gonna start happening soon by the way. 
> 
> I hope u guys are liking this bc I put a lot of my heart into this as writing practice. My creative machine runs on feedback, so every comment I receive just makes me want to write more and more, so please leave me a comment bc ya girl is working hard.


	12. Doctor, Doctor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Two perfectly bright red pills, and a pretty lavender flower.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> here comes the angst (again)

After carefully watching Rey take the two bright red pills, Finn clapped a gentle hand to her shoulder, and with a curt nod he turned on his heel and left.  
Then she was left again as she had always been; alone.

When Rey was sure that Finn had left, she carefully untucked the two pills from their place beneath her tongue and spat them into her hand, tossing them carelessly beneath the stiff bed. The room was quiet, only broken by the sound of machines beeping softly in the distance, and footsteps passing her door quickly.

Having already had enough of being alone, Rey grabbed the small remote that laid beside her and slowly sat herself upwards, the bed creaking loudly as it bent. Throwing her legs over the side of the bed, Rey lifted herself to stand, promptly collapsing into a heap under her own body weight.

Suddenly she realised that she couldn't feel her legs, and the room felt as though it was caving in all around her, her breathing growing ragged and panicked.  
A sob escaped her lips on its own accord as she tried in vain to hoist herself back up.

A jolt of pain up her spine unlike any she had ever felt pulled a scream from her lips and she collapsed again. From behind her a machine whirred to life, piercing the silence of the room with its mechanical wail.

A flurry of white and pale blue rush to her side, and Rey turns to stone beneath their touch, letting silent tears stream down her cheeks, keeping her mouth tightly shut through the stabbing pain.

They lift her back to the uncomfortable bed, and from somewhere high above her a tall figure looms silently, eyes straining in concentration as they slip a slim needle beneath her skin.

Rey doesn't remember falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

When she wakes the world is blurry, as if someone was holding a sheet of thin plastic in front of her eyes. She blinks, but it does not go away.

A faintly familiar voice calls her name, but they seem so far away in her airy mind, as if they were calling from another life. Rey supposed they very well could be.

There is a weight on her right hand, warm and heavy and gentle all the same. She turns her heavy head and peers at her hand, which seems much too pale and _bent at a very strange angle._

"Thank god, you're awake." The same voice said, and from this Rey pieced together that it was not in fact her hand, but rather someone else's hand resting atop hers.

The person was blurry, but tall and pale and their voice was oddly striking, she felt as though the voice was much too warm, that it needed to be colder, more distant.

Slowly the room began to focus, and Rey found a familiar face behind the blur. She scrunched her brows tightly together, pulling her hand away from under his.

" _Hux_?" She asked, the words shaky and unsure on her tongue. She had been placed into many strange worlds filled with outlandish creatures and people, her life had been a series of strange stories one after the other, her relationships were complicated and ever changing. But in all her lives their were remnants of the former, little threads of similarity.

She had _never_ seen this man be kind, never once had she ever imagined holding his hand.

He smiled softly, and Rey thought that it looked misplaced upon his face, as if it didn't belong to him, like it was something stolen.

"Who else were you expecting? You haven't been cheating on me with some mystery man-" he laughed, his accent was thick and hard for Rey to pinpoint in her hazy state, but it made the man seem less like a vision of ice and fury, and more human. "-or mystery _woman_. Mystery _person_?" He continued, his original statement sidetracking as he looked at her with genuine curiosity.

Rey laughed, more out of sheer confusion than anything else, cheeks flushing slightly as he took her hand in his once again. She watched the movement carefully, her eyes squinted as she tentatively allowed him to draw her hand between his.

"I'm just glad you're ok." He continued, eyes piercing and intense. His gaze reminded her of another, and it unnerved her to no end, the similarities between him and Ben that drifted together with every second.

For a while there she had forgotten that Kylo Ren was just as capable of evil as Hux, could be just as cold and dark. Although he had been warm and kind in these lives past, she reminded herself that there had been times when he had watched her bleed with a smile, cursed in her face as if the words weren't sour in his mouth.

When she looks to Hux once more, she fights off the strange voice in the back of her throat that taunts her. People could be evil as easily as they could be kind, and she herself is no exception. It was high time she stopped believing herself to be an innocent bystander in her own story, she had hurt and been hurt, she was just as easily swayed by the creeping darkness in her stomach as he was.

 _As they all were_.

Rey opens her mouth to speak, cut off by the sound of footsteps and quiet creaking. When she turns away from Hux she finds Finn, eyes soft and sad, sympathetic. In front of him he loosely gripped an empty wheelchair.

"I know you don't like being cooped up, nobody really does." Finn starts, rolling the wheelchair towards her like an offering.

Rey looks from the chair to Finn and back.

"Thank you." She answers, unsure of what else there is to say in this moment. For the first time in a long time, Rey finds herself chasing after the right words to say.

"Mr Hux-" Finn begins, looking beyond Rey to the man in the chair.

As if on cue, Hux stands, cutting Finn off.

"Armitage, _please_." Hux says to him as he extends a long arm towards Finn.

Finn shakes his hand, gesturing towards the open doorway with his free hand.

"A word please?"

Hux—Armitage—looks over his shoulder to Rey, he gives her a small smile before he follows Finn from the room.

Finn closes the door, but Rey strains to listen, catching glimpses of the conversation in passing.

"Will she walk again?" Says Hux, and Rey's stomach turns with the words, bile burns the back of her throat. She swallows it and continues to listen.

"We aren't sure-" Finn begins, and Rey loses the rest of his words to the beep of a machine.

"It's not-" Hux begins, and Rey struggles to make out the words, catching only the end of his sentence, "— _is it_?"

Finn's intake of breath is loud enough for her to hear beyond the door, and she feels the bile threatening to rise again.

"We aren't sure about that either."

 

* * *

 

 

On Tuesday morning Armitage rolls her around the Hospitals garden, and she is surprised to learn of his particular interest in flowers. She points to a pretty lavender bloom and he tells her the Latin name off the top of his head, Rey can't help but to laugh.

When they sit quietly in the courtyard, Rey takes a moment to gather her courage, looking at him from the corner of her eyes.  
His eyes are closed, the sun shining bright on his face. Rey thinks he looks beautiful in this light, younger even.

"What did you talk about with the Doctor?" She asks, watching his eyes open and shift to her. The light is higher on him now, casting long shadows across his face. He draws a breath and looks away once again.

"Nothing really."

Rey isn't convinced, she crosses her arms across her chest, asking him again, her tone sharper.

"Hux, what did you talk about with the Doctor?"

He stands quickly, facing away from her.

Rey had never taken note of how tall he was.

"Don't call me that—" he starts, refusing to turn, eyes glued to the brick wall, "—that's not my name."

"Then tell me what you talked about." She intervenes, narrowing her eyes and leaning against the backrest of the wheelchair.

He runs both his hands over his face vigorously, as though he was trying to wash something away. He doesn't answer.

Rey balls her fists, and as if on instinct she attempts to stand. Another wave of pain forces her back into her seat, and Armitage finally turns, walking quickly to kneel beside her.

Her eyes are teary, but she stares him down all the same. This is her life, her health, she _deserves_ to know what is going on.

Hux does not break the stare, let's her curse him with her eyes until she can't bear it anymore. He keeps looking long after she turns away.

The nurses tell her that he visits while she sleeps, holds her hand through the morning hours so that she doesn't have nightmares. They say that it's romantic, Rey thinks that it's cowardly.

 

* * *

 

 

"Good morning Rey."

Rey turns her attention away from the bleak plate of food, placing her plastic fork onto the tray as she watches Leia enter with nervous eyes.

"Dr Organa—" she begins, fiddling with her fingers, "—can I ask you a question, a **serious** question?"

Leia looks up from her clipboard, tucks the pen into the pocket of her coat.

"Of course you can, Rey." She says, taking the same seat that Hux had sat in, crossing her legs and resting her hands on her knees, looking to Rey with those deep, caring eyes.

"Why—" Rey starts, suddenly unsure of how to finish, she draws a deep, shaky sigh and tries again. "Why won't _anyone_ tell me what's going on?"

Leia bows her head for a moment, drawing her own breath.

When she doesn't answer, Rey feels anger boiling deep in her chest. An anger she hadn't felt in years was suddenly brimming beneath her skin.  
So she tries again, but this time she yells it loud enough for the nurses station down the hall to hear.

"WHY WON'T ANYONE TELL ME WHAT THE _FUCK_ IS GOING ON HERE?" Rey lets the yell rip through her, overturning the disgusting plate of food. It clatters to the floor with a loud thud, the plastic glass and tumbler of water following soon thereafter.

Leia stands, attempting to calm the girl by grabbing her arms, but this only sets Rey off further.

She pushes the woman away and the dry anger in her mouth tells her to stand and run as fast as she can. As expected, she collapses with a cry and a jolt of pain onto the floor.

Leia rushes to her side but she screams until the woman recoils, refuses to be touched by anyone who isn't herself.

"Let me help you—" Leia tries to say, but Rey all but spits in her face.

" _Don't_ touch me!" She yells, pushing herself against the bed frame with her arms. Every movement sends a flood of white hot pain through her back, but she grits her teeth and endures it.

A group of nurses and patients alike peer in through the doorway, watching the pair as if they were a spectacle to behold.

Rey grabs the remnants of the thick plastic cup from the floor beside her, snapping it in half with her hands. The sharp plastic digs shallow cuts into her palms, but she does not care, she holds the shards out in front of her like dual knives, wields them as though they are the most powerful weapons she had ever touched.

Leia visibly recoils again, as does the crowd in the doorway.

" _Now_ —" Rey gasps through shaking breaths, the pain in her back and hands making her pale with exhaustion, she grips the plastic tighter, lets it cut deeper, feels the adrenalin push her forward, "—if _nobody_ is going to tell me what's going on—"

She raises her right hand towards her throat, pushes the plastic against the soft skin until she can feel it begin to tear, leaves the other extended in the air as a warning.

"— _I'll find out for my fucking self._ "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THANK U ALL FOR THE COMMENTS IT HAS TRULY LIT A FIRE UNDER MY ASS AND I LOVE READING THEM ALL (I WILL TRY TO REPLY TO ANY COMMENTS ON THIS CHAPTER!)
> 
> ALSO hope u weren't expecting fluff, it's only gonna get angstier from here on out. 
> 
> One of these AUs is gonna happen soon, but I'm not gonna say which one:  
> A) Grease  
> B) Mulan  
> C) Cops  
> So I'll just leave y'all with that.


	13. Infirmary Blues

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Blood, sweat, tears and all those happy memories

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> consistent uploading schedule? I don't know her

Leia watched her from the other side of the room, eyes drowning with pity.

Fuck her pity, fuck everyone's pity, she wasn't a corpse, a beautiful body for them to cry over, she was _alive_ and breathing in front of them and she deserved to know what the fuck was going on in this place.

A loudspeaker crackled, then came to life, a code was muttered through it, and Rey fought back the urge to drop her hands and give up. Instead she pressed the plastic harder against her neck.

Leia gasped, turning away from the scene she believed was unfolding in front of her.

Rey felt a small trickle of liquid down her neck and eased the pressure, shaking hand still held in front of her like a dare to anyone who comes near.

"Rey, listen to me—" Leia cooed, her voice gentle and low.

Rey's eyes turned to her, wild and feral and filled with fear and pulsing adrenalin. And she listened, as she was told, but Leia seemed unsure of what to say next, as if she hadn't thought that far ahead.

A choked noise escaped Rey's throat as she leaned her head against the bed frame, tears welling beneath her dark lashes.

"What's wrong with me—" she didn't mean for it to sound like a sob, but it had, "—why won't _anyone_ tell me what's _wrong_ with me?" She looked to her feet, limp and sad and useless.

It hadn't been the first time she'd woken up differently, when she was 17 she had woken up completely deaf, she remembered sitting in the schools library, she had taught Ben how to sign, it was something she had never forgotten, the language and the memory.

Ben, who had stolen her heart too many times to count, and broken it just as many.   
She never knew how much she would miss him until he was gone.

_She never knew how much she would miss walking until it was gone._

"You were in a car accident Rey, _nobody_ is hiding anything from you—" Leia spoke quietly, hands extended straight out like you would if you were approaching a scared animal.

Rey thought that's how she may look right now, like a scared injured animal.

"Am I paralysed?" Rey asked, hands shaking harder than they ever had, like autumn leaves being beaten by the wind.

Leia shook her head, kneeling a few feet away.

"We aren't sure yet—" she extended her hands once more, as if to coax Rey out of her position and into her arms. When Rey didn't budge, Leia's eyes flicker from her face to the shard of plastic at her neck. "— _please_ Rey, put that down."

There is a shaky, hesitant moment where the air is tight and hard to breathe. Nobody is sure what will happen next, and morbid curiosity keeps most eyes glued to the scene in front of them.

Finally, Rey drops the plastic, and Leia takes the small girl in her arms.

For a second Rey sobs into the woman's chest, but then she is being ripped away from the room, noises blaring and eyes hazy.   
Once again, she doesn't remember falling asleep.

 

* * *

 

 

"Vitals are good—" a voice says from far away, Rey feels her lips twitch into a smile at the sound, her barely awake mind catching only glimpses on the words.   
"Minor cut on the right of the throat,—" the voice says, invoking panicked memories that Rey cannot shake away. "—nothing worse than a paper cut."

"Hello?" She asks the air, barely recognising her own strained voice. Her eyes begin to clear, but she can only see the bright ceiling above her, and the source of the voice is yet to be found.

"Good morning Rey—" the voice says, sounding like Finn and Hux and Leia all at once.

" _Good morning Rey_." She repeats, a smile playing onto her lips, although she is unsure why. The world seems cloudy and warm, like she was floating on a big pillow down the gentlest stream.

A soft laugh breaks the haze instantly.

She blinks again, clearing her eyes and looking quickly to the side. "Ben—" she smiles, eyes welling with tears.

Ben's eyes narrow, his brow scrunching. "Dr Ren." He states, a hint of confusion in his voice. "Are you-"

"Having trouble remembering things, Rey?" She asks the air again, laughing lightly as her head falls back onto the pillow and she is back to staring at the roof.

"When's the last time you took your medication?" He asks, scribbling on his clipboard.

"Doesn't matter, I'll be out of here in a few weeks."

The scribbling stops.

Kylo looks to the girl beneath him, the one who had held a piece of plastic to her neck, who he had never even thought about treating until his mother begged him too.

"Who told you that?" He asks, and it's Rey's turn to be confused now.

She scrunches her brow, turning back towards him.

"I was in a car accident, why would I be here for any longer?"

Kylo looks at the girls board and then back to her face. She's serious. 

"What car accident?"

 

* * *

 

 

  
When Hux comes to visit her in her new room, she makes sure that she's wide awake.

He's surprised, to say the least, and tries his best to make idle conversation with her, waiting for her to finally go to sleep.

Instead she sits straight up, stares the man in the eye and asks him.

"Why did you lie to me?"

His lip shakes and he takes his head between his hands, a broken sigh escaping his mouth. It sounds heavy and sad and far too old for him, Rey feels it in her own chest.

"I've never had a family, I suppose that's why we got along, hey? Neither of us knew what it was like, to be loved _y'know_?" He starts, his accent thicker than before, his eyes never meeting hers.   
"Drop day I made you _one_ promise, do you remember it Rey?" He looks to her finally, eyes glassy and low.

She shakes her head and he sighs into his hands.

"I promised you that no matter _what_ happened out there, I'd look after you. I'd look after you, Phasma, Rose and even Poe." His words are choked and sloppy.

Rey reaches out and places her small hand on his own.

"I couldn't save any of them, but _you_ —" he grips her hand so tight his knuckles look ready to break. "—I could save _you_." A single soft tear streams down his face, but he wipes it away quickly.

Rey feels her own eyes filling with hot tears, grips his hand back in solidarity.

"When you took that bullet I thought you were dead."

"I'm not dead." She states, as if it was something he didn't know. She toys with her bottom lip, averting her eyes, staring at her numb feet.

From the corner of her eye she watches him nod to himself, rubbing his palms together with a deep sigh.

"You might as well have been—" he starts, the words dry in his mouth, "— _Jesus_ , Rey, you were lying there for _three_ years, what was I _supposed_ to do?"

Rey watches him do the thing with his hands, scrubbing at his face with his palms, pressing the heel of his hands against the dark circles beneath his eyes.

"Tell me the truth?" She answers, not daring to look at him.

He lets out a loud puff of air, groaning quietly.

"I _tried_ , the very first day you woke up—" he gestures in front of him, waving his hands through the air with an open mouth, stuttering as he searched for the correct words. "—you couldn't take it."

She finally looks to him, meets his watery gaze with her own, her lips trembling.

"I couldn't watch you die again, I just _couldn't_."

 

* * *

 

  
Dr. Ren places two bright red pills on the table in front of her, and stares intently at them. 

Rey takes them from the table, and he turns away. She puts them beneath her tongue and watches Dr. Ren as he putters around her room, adjusting cables and machines quietly. He does not offer a single glance in her direction.

" ** _Swallow them_**." He instructs without so much as a peek towards her.

For a moment she hesitates, but relents, swallowing the two pills with a gulp of water from a soft plastic child's cup.

"Why did you tell me the truth?" She finally breaks the silence that had fallen over the room, voice whispery and low. For a second she isn't sure if he even heard her.

Kylo freezes, the air between them stagnating as he turns slowly, looking her up and down.

She feels too small beneath his gaze.

"I didn't know any better." He finally answers, turning away the instant the words have left his lips.

Rey laughs as her head begins to fog and a distant memory floats to the front of her mind.

Ben had been trying to cook pasta in their small studio apartment, she had taken polaroids of him while she lay upside down on their beaten up sofa. When the smoke alarm blared through the room, he had turned to her and said those same words. He had looked so sweet in that moment, so pure, as if he was a Ben that the evil and sadness of the universe could never reach.

The laugh earns her a strange glance from Kylo as he turns again to face her.

"What's so funny?" He asks, lowering his eyes in her direction, his fingers still curled around a wire.

Her hazy mind forgets her charade, drops the facade and answers him honestly, as she had always wished to.

"That's what you said to me when you nearly burnt down our apartment." She laughs again, reaching out towards the ceiling like a child.

Kylo freezes, for a moment he feels a chill down his spine, a tingling sensation in his back, like something tied around his waist slowly pulling him backwards.

"That never happened Rey."

She laughs again, louder this time, the sound bouncing off each wall like crackling thunder.

"You just don't remember it, you've never had a very good memory."

Kylo stills, stiffens in his place. She wasn't wrong, but it wasn't something that this girl should know.

" _Ben_ —" she smiles at him, soft and sweet.

His eyes fly to her, frantic and confused, the tugging on his back stretching upwards, nagging at the back of his brain.

"How do you know that—" He asks, stuttering for the first time since he was a child. "—how do you know _any_ of this?"

And so she tells him, laughing all the while. She describes the smell of salt in his hair, and the way his voice croaked when he had finished kissing her. She recalls the feeling of his hands on her wrist hours before the gunshot echoed over the water.   
She recites beautiful lines of letters he had written her, the feeling of the wind in her hair on the back of his motorcycle, the way his voice sounded when he sang about her.

He watches, eyes wide. She's muttering nonsense, and yet he cannot bring himself to stop her, to tell her that she is wrong.

When she's finished, Rey feels as though a weight had been lifted from her chest. She looks to Ren, and for the briefest of moments she catches the glimmer of familiarity in his eye.

He blinks and it is gone. Then he turns and leaves quickly.

Rey feels her heart sink to the bottom of her stomach, breaking apart in the acids and crumbling until there is nothing left and she is empty again, as empty as she had felt in that life alone.

The sky grows dark outside her window as she waits for him to return, but the hours tick and her eyes grow heavy, and he doesn't come back.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey wakes to total silence, it is terrifying, as if she has been frozen in place and time and cannot move.   
She realises that she _really_ cannot move.   
She peers down through her lashes, finding her arms have been bound to her chest in some off white jacket that taunts her.

Rey screams, calls for help, but the room stays silent around her.

When a nurse finally enters, Rey isn't sure if it has been minutes or hours since she woke. There was no windows, no clocks, no way for her to know.

The nurse looks at her with sad brown eyes, holds the spoon to Rey's mouth as if she was a child.   
When Rey parts her lips to speak, the nurse slides the spoon into her mouth.

Rey gags on the taste, tries to spit out the bland, warm liquid, but the nurse places a gentle hand on her chin and Rey cannot move to push them away.

She lets the nurse feed her between sobs, tastes her tears between bites.

When she is done, she asks the nurse with shaking voice, "Why am I here?"

The nurse stands, holds the bowl in their hands and fiddles with it, unsure of what there is to say. Finally they sigh and answer Rey with a quiet voice.

"Referral by Dr. Ren." The nurse nods once, turning promptly on their heel and leaving.

In the twisted joke that is her life, after being truly alone for the first time, she is reunited with the people she loves, only to once again sit alone, while her friends— _her family_ —are just beyond the walls.

When Sunday finally comes, she lets the sound of silence wash through her body like calm ocean waves, and begs the universe for a softer world.

 

* * *

 

 

It had felt like a lifetime since she had last bathed in the morning light like this, existed solely in the moment. Life hits everyone quickly, and Rey was no exception. 

So she spread her arms across the white cotton sheets, and turned her face towards the sun, like a flower drinking in the radiant energy, enjoying the sweet moments of morning bliss.

Suddenly there are quick footsteps, and before she can open her eyes, the bed is dipping and there is someone grabbing at her arms.

Her eyes fly open to meet deep golden brown orbs and a toothless smile staring back at her, their curly hair was black and silken in the light. The child laughs, grabbing at her once again.

" **Come on Mommy! Get up!** "

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok this chap was really hard for me to write bc I had a shitty day but it's p important chapter in terms of plot progression, which y'all will see soon. 
> 
> I'm loving all of these comments i literally check my email on the hour bc it's such a great feeling to see people enjoying what I'm writing. 
> 
> Anyway, hope ya liked that fucking cliffhanger ya bish.


	14. Look Who's Talking

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Fix the cracks with crayon portraits

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> hello bad and naughty children it's crying time

Rey sits on the small chair across the table from the child— _her child_ —who is preoccupied with shovelling spoonfuls of sugary cereal into her mouth as quick as humanly possible.

Rey gazes around her home, it is tiny and crowded, stacks of unpacked boxes and dusty rows of books line each corner of each room.   
The lights are low and old, casting warm yellow light in all directions. Every room felt sunny and cozy, she felt at home.

Their fridge is old and dented, adorned from head to toe with drawings and pictures of them.   
The largest piece showcased on their fridge is a hand-drawn crayon portrait of Rey and her kid holding hands, there's a black smudge with eyes and a wagging tail. Behind them is a large home surrounded by bright green trees and sunny blue skies.   
A shaky red arrow points to the child and the chicken scratch above it reads ' _Ani_ ', above the picture of Rey it simply says ' _Mommy_ '.

The black smudge was named Bebe.

Rey looks back to Ani, studying the child's face. She was beautiful, her hair long and dark as the night, her tan skin and freckled constellations, her brown eyes that shone gold in the morning sun that streamed through their thin blinds.

"Ani, can you tell Mommy how old you are?" Rey asks, placing her own spoon back into the untouched bowl of cereal.

Ani doesn't look up, wide eyes glued to the toy cars in front of her.

"Four and a half." Her words are sloppy, a reminder of her youthfulness.

"You want to hang out with Mommy today?" Rey asks tentatively, the words foreign on her tongue. She never thought she would have a family, wasn't sure she was capable of letting go. She looks to the little girl again, reaching across the short table to brush hair from her eyes. She smiles so sweetly that Rey feels her heart melt in her chest.

Letting go of this little girl was going to break her.

 

* * *

 

 

"You want _this_ one?" Rey asks, lifting the neon pink water bottle up to Ani.

Ani scrunches her entire face, the freckles on her nose and cheeks disappearing.

"I want the Ninja Turtles." She reaches a hand towards the lime green one, making a grabby motion until Rey places it into her hand.

Rey keeps pushing the cart along, can't help but notice how the fluorescent lights seemed so fake compared to the warm glow of their small home.

Along the way, she would stop to pull funny faces at Ani between searching for items, indulging herself in the sweetness of her innocent laughter.

_She wanted to give this kid the whole world._

She never believed that she could be a good mom—she never had one to set her an example—thought she would have no clue how to act around this tiny person.

But when she looks at Ani— _her sweet, sweet Ani_ —she realises that she would do anything it takes to keep this kid safe, to make sure she never had to experience even a fraction of what Rey had. She would pluck every star from the sky, every flower from its roots, anything she wanted, Rey would never stop until she could give it all to her.

Rey pinches Ani's left cheek, earning a bright laugh from her daughter.

She turns the corner into the next aisle and halts dead in her tracks.

He's there, staring at a can of peaches and scanning its details.

It strikes her strange the way he is dressed, browns and beiges and whites. His hair looks much warmer, not the jet black it had been so many times, but moreso deep chocolate brown.

Rey tries to turn, banging her cart into the shelf in her haste. The bump sends a package of pasta tumbling to the floor with a dull thud.

Ben turns at the noise, eyes catching on the figure standing in the middle of the aisle. He doesn't need to look twice to know that it was her.

" _Rey_?" He calls to her, and she has no other instinct but to turn to him.

Her stomach does the fluttery thing that it had always done when he was around, but for some reason she cannot escape the words that keeping chanting in her head, the ones that make her wish to digest those stupid fucking butterflies.

_'Referral by Dr. Ren.'_

He walks to her with unsteady strides, stops a few feet short of her and shoves his hands deep into the pockets on his pants.

"It's been—" he starts, chuckling lowly in a nervous way, a sound that makes her weak and angry all the same.

"A while." She says, looking anywhere but his face. She tugs on her bottom lip with her teeth, keeping the words she wished to say firmly trapped between her lips.

"Five years." He says, and she can feel his gaze on her face.

Ben studies her face, it had changed since they were teenagers, her features less round and sweet, more sharp. She was still as beautiful as she had been then, all soft freckles and rosy lips, dark eyelashes and hazel eyes as bright as far off moons.

The silence hangs between them, and Rey prepares herself to make a swift getaway, her plans are interrupted when Ani whines from behind her.

"I'm _boooored_."

Rey's eyes snap to Ben, and his snap beyond her shoulder. She takes a step to the side to reveal Ani, watches Ben as he studies her child's face with intensity she had never seen.

"This is Ani—" Rey starts, her breath shaky and voice light, "—my daughter".

His mouth falls open the slightest, eyes deep and soft.

"Hi." He says to her, and Ani looks him up and down with wide brown eyes.

"Hi." She repeats to him, grabbing onto the hem of Rey's shirt with her small hand.

The instant he sees her, his heart stops beating entirely, every moment he looks at this kid makes his eyes feel more damp.

She looks like him.

"H—How old are you Ani?" He leans closer to the girl, Rey steps forward and he freezes, moving backwards slowly, there's a glassy look in Rey's eye, he is uncertain if it is sadness or fear.

He doesn't know which prespect terrified him more.

Ani, unaware of the tense air around them, answers exactly how any shy 4 year old would, with quiet voice and blushed cheeks.

"4—" she pauses, looking at mommy's friend, "— _and a half_."

From the back of his throat comes a quiet choked sound that shakes Rey to her core. He looks at her with those pleading, sad eyes, deeper than any waters she could dare step foot in. Those deep waters scared her—but so had he.

With a movement quicker than any she had ever done, Rey grabs the cart, clears her throat, and as if on instinct, stands in front of her kid.

"Listen, it's been—but I'm in a _huge_ hurry." She spits out the words, turning before she has a chance to stop herself. She muster all her courage into her throat, chewing on the taste, letting it overcome her as she walked away.

"Rey—" he calls after her, but does not follow, watches her disappear around the corner as quickly as she had appeared.

Ben let's out a shaking breath, braces himself on the shelving, the hair falling around his eyes blocking out the bright lights. He holds himself there for god knows how long, breath feeling like lead, so heavy inside his chest.

He drops his basket, uncaring of the contents he had so painstakingly picked, the loud crack of the plastic hitting the floor barely registering in his ears.

He searches every aisle, tears so close to spilling it takes every ounce of courage to hold them in.

She's gone.

_And so is his daughter._

 

* * *

 

It is a Wednesday morning like no other Rey had ever lived. She sat with knees tucked to her chest, watching silently over Ani as she played on the faded old carpet.   
The tv played idly, but it was only background noise for Rey. Her mind was still stuck in that damn supermarket aisle from days ago, stuck staring at his face, stuck trying to discern how he looked so different in this life.

"Mommy—" Ani calls to her, and Rey comes back from that dreamy place in her mind where she sometimes wanders, "—the phone." Ani's small hand points in the direction of the kitchen.

Rey now hears the phone ringing, stands quickly and heads through the small threshold, looking once over her shoulder at Ani. 

She takes the receiver and it feels heavy in her hand as if it's filled with rocks.

"Hello?" She asks, looking once again over her shoulder at Ani.

" _Rey_? Is that you?" Ben's voice is sad and slow, impossibly low—so much so that Rey had to strain to hear him.

Her body stiffened, bones turning to stone, iron armour shifting like tectonic plates beneath her skin, waiting to burst and shake and scream like earthquakes erupting from deep inside her.

"Listen here Ben, I don't give a _fuck_ what you want to say to me—" she all but whispers, voice low and gravelly, a sound she didn't know she could create.

"Rey, please—" he tries, but she isn't listening.

"—you stay away from me, _and you stay the **fuck** away from my daughter._ "

Ben leant his back and head against the cabinets, knees giving way beneath him as he slid to a crouch on the floor, barely containing a choked sound rumbling deep from within his chest.

"Don't do this to me Rey."

She can hear his heart breaking in his voice, feels tears beading up in the corners of her eyes. For a moment, she fears she will crack, give way and let him back in. The need to forgive echoes endlessly behind her eyes.

Then Ani laughs from the other room, and that need is replaced by one so strong, it overpowers any other thoughts in her mind. _The need to protect this child_.

She had told him that she was afraid of being alone and he had locked her away. He had taken her heart in his hands and torn it to shreds.Why should she treat his heart delicately when he had not given that to her  

Something ancient in her soul screams to her that it was a different life, a different time.

But wasn't it the same Ben?

Perhaps had fallen in love with the idea of a person—of him—disregarding the notion that just as she was not always the same, neither was he. Perhaps he wasn't who she thought he was.

"Don't _ever_ contact me again." She says, a warning laced with poison and fear so overpowering Ben could feel it in the air around him.

Then there's silence from the other end, the room is dark and shadowy, the air so tight it was hard to breathe, _and Ben was alone._

He punches the wood beside him so hard it splinters, the room shakes with the aftershocks of the outburst. His hand throbs and knuckles—red raw and already beginning to bruise—drip crimson in the twilight that streams through his small kitchen window.

He thinks of the child— _his child_ —and suddenly it isn't enough. He punches again and again, barely attempting to contain the noises that come running from inside him. When he is done, he wraps his knuckles in his bedsheets and drives himself to the ER. He is quiet when they clean the wounds, doesn't flinch or speak a word.

All the while, a quiet hum of distant knowing tugs endlessly at the back of his head as he scans the hospital walls. He cannot shake the feeling away, but remains unsure of what it is.

He sits in the hospital parking long after his wounds are clean and wrapped, he chain smokes thin menthol cigarettes and worries his bottom lip until it is red and bruised.

He cannot calm his mind or his heart, spends hours driving and walking his neighbourhood, just searching for the shattered pieces of himself he may have dropped along the way.

 

* * *

 

 

Rey watched from the threshold as Ani brushed her teeth. She still couldn't believe that this was hers, this life, this child. This beautiful, brilliant, bright little girl who looked at Rey like she had hung the moon for her.

_This is all that matters._

They change into matching linen pyjamas—Rey's were grey and white, and Ani's red and blue—and pull every pillow and blanket in the house into the living room floor. Rey makes popcorn while Ani chooses a movie, and when her daughter settles in her arms and begins to drift to sleep, Rey's heart and mind are filled only with love and joy.

That feeling drains when four loud bangs on the front door send reverberations through the house, waking Ani and sending a jolt of instinctive fear through Rey's entire being.

It is silent for a moment, and then the banging starts again, quicker this time.

Rey stands and time near stills as she walks towards the door. Standing an arms length away, she listens as the banging resumes again.

" **REY**!" Ben's voice carries through the wood so easily she feared he would knock it down with sound alone.

"Leave or I'll call the police." She calls back, every nerve on fire under the strain of holding her composure.

His hands bang against the door once more.

"Please Rey, y—you have to let me see her."

"I don't have to do _anything_ for you." She hissed, voice unwavering and stronger than she believed she had ever been.

" _Please_ —" he all but begs, presenting what little was left of his heart in his hands for her.

The composure breaks and she slams a hand against the door.

The sound is so sudden it sends him reeling, near falling off the porch with the movement.

She is a thunderstorm in the shape of a woman, and he was holding a metal rod directly over his head

" _No_! You _left_ me Ben, you _locked me away_ in a psych ward—you _broke_ my fucking heart—you—" she slammed her hand against the door again, before drawing a shaky breath and stepping away, regaining some sense of calm, "—you need to leave."

For a second, Ben is confused and silent. Then, as if by divine intervention, there is a moment where everything falls into place, and suddenly a thousand lives are flying past his eyes, ringing deep inside his chest.

First he feels shock, then relief, then a deep burrowing guilt burning inside of him. Finally, he understands.

"Rey please—just open the door."

In his voice there is something that Rey has never heard, something that forces her hand to stretch toward the handle of its own accord.

From the living room floats a tune that Ani hums, one that pulls her away from the handle. 

The song rings in her ears, she hears his voice calling from another world.

 

_Almost heaven, West Virginia, Blue Ridge Mountains, Shenandoah River._

 

The world is slow and silent, every second lasting a thousand years.

Rey looks back to the door, to Ben.

 

_Life is old there, older than the trees—_

 

She looks toward her daughter, the warm glow of the room.

 

_—younger than the mountains, blowing like a breeze._

 

She makes her choice.

It feels as though she walks in slow motion, her head high and eyes brimmed with frozen tears.

Ani smiles as Rey joins her between the pillows once again, climbing into her moms arms.

Rey places her chin on Ani's head, and sings to her quietly with broken voice, the sweetest sound she had ever made, and leaves behind the sound of his voice, his song  

_**"take me home, to the place I belong."** _

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Writing this chapter broke my heart but I also fucking love writing angst.   
> All of the comments have been so incredible and I love u all very much, also omg thank you for nearly 150 kudos wow!!!  
> I'm happy that this story is progressing further than any other I have ever written and I'm getting to write some good plot heavy stuff, but also sad because it will end soon and I never want to stop writing this.
> 
> Also my biggest goal with this fic is probably to write something beautiful enough to make someone wanna make art or something idk. My fave scene so far would have to be the street lamp scene from battle of the bands, or the entire Gatsby chapter. 
> 
> Anyway hope you all enjoyed, bonus points to everyone who picks up on why their baby is named Ani.


	15. All Roads Lead To Her

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Amber sun and dark black shadows.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hiya! Sorry for lack of uploads, I've just started uni so that's been my priority.

Every 3 hours Ben holds his small black phone in his large hands and dials her number, but never once does she pick up. On Sunday morning he knocks on the door and whispers begging prayers into its wood, but never once does she open the door. 

He searches every aisle of every grocery store, every playground in sight.

But he never finds her.

There is something inside him that he cannot push away, a million memories that didn't belong to him, but were all his. There is a new aching in his chest that he cannot dismiss, one that rattles around like a cough he doesn't want, when night falls on Sunday, the feeling grows deeper and more dreadful.

He lays on his cream cotton sheets and lets silent tears roll down his cheeks in the secrecy of the dark, they are hot on his skin, angry and confused.

For the first time, he feels himself fall asleep in a wash of uncanny calm.

He opens his eyes and finds himself in a place, with a feeling around him that he cannot explain. It was a place that words couldn't comprehend. It was endless and filled with light and darkness all at once. He is only there for the briefest of seconds, but it feels as though he had lingered there for thousands of years, hundreds upon hundred of lifetimes.

He blinks and when his eyes open he is in bed once again. He rubs his hands vigorously over his face, trying to dismiss the strange nightmare.

When he turns to stand, he swings his legs and places his feet on the ground, recoiling with shock. Where his warm fluffy carpet had once been was now replaced with shiny black tile that froze his feet.

He scans the room and finds himself somewhere unfamiliar. The sheets were deep red silk like a red wine or blood, in the neon light that streamed through his shutters, he could not tell the difference.

 

* * *

 

 

The first week he is some sort of mafia kingpin, always dressed in fine suits and surrounded by beautiful women in dark corners of smokey lounges.

On Wednesday Rey stumbles into the bar, black and blue and desperate.

He stands so quickly that glasses shatter at his feet, women yell and men cock their guns. He hears and see none of it—only _her_.

She holds his gaze for a moment, the slow crystal snow that was steadily falling drifted in the open doorway from behind her, as if she had ushered it in. It tangled and melted in her hair and caught in the light.

Here they were, two locked pieces of an unfinished puzzle, unable to escape one another.

There is a hushed breath that flows through both of them.

Then she moves, grabbing a man in a sleek suit and pulling a glint of silver from the pocket of her torn coat. Her eyes are wild and dark, her hair curled from sweat and falling in the smallest tendrils around her twisted face, like soft vines on the hardest marble. There's a single small cut above her brow and the blood trickles into her eye, making it bloodshot and bleary. It is terrifying, like her.

Rey, like the sunshine in memories that passed so quick you couldn't see them, who renamed herself storm, wore the lightning on her sleeve and poisoned the land of her body so it may remain barren.

Ben wished to sow the seeds, to place his hands in the roots of her and feel the life pulsing between his fingers—raw and real and so alive—and refuse to let it go.

She holds the gun to the mans head.

"If any of you _motherfuckers_ move—" she cocks the gun, the room inhales in one sharp shared breath. "—I'll blow his _fucking_ brains out,-"

The men around Ben do not lower their weapons, but grip them tighter.  
_Not a single one dares unlock the safety._

Rey glances to him once more from the corner of her bad eye.

For the first time in a million memories, he couldn't stand to hold her gaze. There was something missing inside her, a dimmed light, a flame that was only mere ashes now.

Rey does not look away, she forces him to watch as she laces her finger around the trigger.

"- _especially you_." Her words are sharp and slice pieces of him off with every breath.

Rey bags their money and takes their keys, and Ben finds himself standing in front of the door long after she had ran off. 

The air is cold and the floor left with traces of the snow that had blown in the open doorway. Ben watched as it melted away, as quickly as she and it had come, they were gone.

 

* * *

 

 

He chases her through the crowded market on a Tuesday morning, she disappears behind crowds and darts across rooftops, but he does not lose track.

Rey leaps from the edge of the roof, barely catching the ledge of the next as she scrambled up the side, her hair messy in its three small buns that peeked for a moment before she lifted her hood and ran again.

Ben makes the same jump in half the stride, catches her with nowhere to run. They are high above the desert town, the hot wind sticking his long dark hair to his neck and cheeks.

The sun shines low and golden behind her, making her glow golden as well.

The hood covers her eyes, but he knows that she is looking at him.

He takes a step forward, one so small he wasn't sure she would notice. Her name slips out of his mouth like a whispered hymn to an empty church.

She steps backwards but her foot finds no ground, she wobbles, but steadies herself on the very edge of the platform.

Ben retreats, taking the step back, wishing he could pull her name back into his mouth, pull her back into his arms, back into his life.

They stay like that for a second, and then she peers at him from beneath her hood, eyes amber and black from the shadows of the fabric and the light of the sun as they fought for dominance over the landscape of her face. Suddenly she is falling, arms spread out either side of her, body straight and calm.

For a moment she is frozen and he watches her float in midair, held by the rays of light and lifted to the heavens.

Then she is gone again and he is being blinded by the sun that she had been blocking.

Ben races to the edge and peers over into the crowds, but he cannot find her. He climbs quickly down the side of the building, pulling off his own hood as he stepped into the throngs of market goers, their voices loud and chanting as one, pounding in his ears like a headache he couldn't cure.

He thinks her dead, until from the corner of his eye he sees a single flash of white crossing a rooftop in the distance. Most assume it was just the suns glare, but he knew better.

 

* * *

 

 

Monday morning he is running late for his corporate job. He slicks his hair and pulls his shoes on as he runs out the door. He doesn't stop running until he is only two blocks away and only thirteen minutes late.

He collides into her with such force that he finds himself staring out into the grey sky wondering just who on earth he was. The confusion passes and he stands to find her sitting in a puddle, staring up at him.

For a moment there was a flicker, a match striking. It does not catch, and by the time he turns to collect his wallet, she has already fled the scene.

He arrives thirty five minutes late, when Hux gets in his face about it he holds him against the wall by his throat.

He says nothing and releases the man, disappears into his office before Hux even hits the floor.

 

* * *

 

 

" _Hurry up_!" Hux hisses at him in the early hours of one Friday morning from beneath the cheap Stormtrooper mask they had stolen from a Walmart.

Ben _almost_ let's the irony tug a smile onto his lips, but he remains stony even beneath his equally cheap plastic Darth Vader mask. He tosses a large diamond necklace to Hux and, with the same momentum, uses his elbow to crack through the glass of the final display on the jewellery room store.

He plucks the large, heavy necklace from his place. It was a tangle of crystal clear diamonds and dark blood red gemstones that formed intricate roses, radiant jade forming vines that twisted up around the diamonds and the neck.

The alarm sounds but he does not budge, holds his gaze on the necklace as he studies the craftsmanship.

Hux snarls and screams, and when Ben does not respond or flinch, he runs from the back entrance to Phasma and the waiting van.

The front doors fly open and she is there, beside Poe and Finn, guns drawn and pointed at him.

They look strange in uniforms, Ben thinks, like wild animals in costumes pretending to be tame, forgetting that there was nothing wrong with being wild, being _free_.

In a movement so quick he surprises even himself, Ben tosses the necklace to her hands and makes a beeline for the back door.

He hears shots fired, from his right a bullet hits the wall, from his left one strikes his bicep.

Rey doesn't shoot.

For a second he stops at he door and looks back, she is holding the jewels, they are reflecting rainbows onto her skin in the early light of the morning. His arm is bleeding badly, but he still uses it to lift the mask over his lips and smile at her.

"Rey-" he says, and there is that strike again, rumbling deep in his chest.

The van is still there, and although Hux screams and barks and snarls and all the rest of the things he very much liked to do, he still tends to Ben's wounds as they drive, eyes gentle and steeled in concentration.

 

* * *

 

 

On Saturday night the club he works at is packed with sweaty young adults as thumping music made the bottles behind the bar chatter as they bumped against one another with every vibration, mimicking the movements on the dance floor.

"What can I get you?" He asks loudly over the music.

"A shot of vodka?" The skittish guy across the bar asks, refusing to make eye contact.

" _ID_?" Ben quirks a brow.

The kid stutters, rubbing his neck as he fumbled through an excuse. Finally he sighed and leaned across the bar closer to Ben.

"Look, I'm just trying to impress this girl by buying her a drink—" the kid points down the bar. "—can you _please_ help me out?"

Ben follows the kids gaze, eyes falling in Rey in the reddest dress he had ever seen her in.

In fact, her dress was so red, Ben felt the need to lie on the floor and scream for two hours. Of course, he didn't do that, but boy did he want too.

He ignores the waiting patrons and makes a break for her before another bartender can.

Finn sees him first and flags him down, pulling his wallet from his pocket.

Rey turns and freezes, but doesn't run.

He takes their orders and makes their drinks, beneath Rey's he leaves a note with his phone number.

The strike is quiet this time, she downs the drink and crumples the note, tossing it behind her shoulder as she walks away from the bar. She stops however and turns, looking at him for one sweet, sad moment, before returning to her original intention of leaving.

Her friends follow, and despite the pounding music, Ben feels as though the club is dead silent.

 

* * *

 

 

He cannot find her all week.

He waits for her to come into the sleepy bookstore he works at, thinks that a place like this would attract her, feel warm and cozy and safe. He watches the windows, thinking he might see her pass. He takes back roads and twisting turns, gets lost in his own city just hoping to bump into her.

It is Sunday at 11pm that they come face to face in a 7/11.

She is wearing sweatpants and her hair is oily and tied in a knot on her head.

He is wearing his slippers and old bugs bunny t-shirt they was four sizes too big.

For a second there is silence, then they laugh at each other like old friends do, a _belly-aching, cheek-hurting, teary-eyed, slap-your-knees_ kind of laughter.

It feels good to hear her laugh.

When it is over he looks at her, and he tells her that he knows.

She doesn't move, stares deep into him and pulls out emotions from his stomach that he didn't know he had.

At first she doesn't believe him, but he tells her stories of rooftop chases and beautiful jewellery and shots of vodka.

For what seems like an eternity, she is silent.

"I've gotta go—" she mumbles and hastily shoves the candy bar in her hands between some bags of chips, pushing past him and dashing out of the store.

Into the night she leaves him, so into the night he stays.

He lay on his back porch until dawn breaks and stares at the stars, lets tears prick at his eyes.

He tried to remember how it felt before he was so much older than time.

 

* * *

 

 

Weeks pass and she does not come to him. He sees Finn and Poe walking together, Rose chanting at protests, watches Luke chop wood at an old dusty cabin, visits his mother as much as he can, he even spends a day with Han Solo without wanting to kill him.

He has never been more surrounded in his life, and yet he had never felt more alone without Rey.

So he decided to _run_.

He runs across rainforests, through hustling city subways, up the stairs of high-rises, through maze gardens and clouds of smoke. He chases birds and fish and flies, hops from lily pad to lily pad and stone to stone. He dances on mountains and chants into fires. He fights wars and fleets of horses. He does all of this for her.

 _It was all for her_.

There he was, in every Universe possible, aligned in that otherworldly symmetry, all racing against time and space,  having sunlight and whispers, all of these things just to find this girl that fell off the face of the world every week.

The girl that he had fallen in love with a thousand times, and would a thousand times more. 

Every step he took, every bridge, every stair, every path. 

All roads lead back to her. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> All the things she said running through my head all the things she said all the things she said 
> 
> I finally slotted in my pulp fiction and assassins creed references, kudos to you if you caught them. 
> 
> Um also, this is nearly finished?? It's naturally coming to a conclusion and I wanted it to go for longer but I guess that's not in the cards. Next chapter may very well be the final chap.


End file.
